THE FAST-FOOD GENERATION



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

Everyone needs an etiquette book on his or her shelf, one of those five-pound encyclopedias of everything related to manners. I think it should be a mandatory gift to every graduate, right along with the PDA and new briefcase. I received one when I finished high school and I still have it on my bookshelf. It's a little dog-eared, but the advice within isn't showing its age (unlike its owner).

Why is this book so important? You'll be glad you have it when you're faced with an invitation to a formal event. It will teach you first how to properly respond to the invitation and then, how to eat that multi-course meal with dozens of utensils, plates and glasses. It can help you plan a wedding, teach you how to write a letter, even how to get along with your co-workers.

But in this fast-food era, many people have forgotten - or were never taught - the fundamentals of dining etiquette. Which way should I pass? Which fork is mine? What do I do with my napkin? What follows are the answers to the basic questions many people have about dining. (If you need advice on how to combine business with a meal, please read "The Business Lunch" posted in the "Image Insights" archives.)

The first thing to do after being seated at a table is to immediately place your napkin in your lap. Unfold it into either a large triangle or rectangle. Never use your napkin as a tissue, but have one close by if you think you'll need to wipe your nose during the meal. Ladies should blot their lipstick with a tissue before eating so that they don't soil the cloth napkin and glassware. Don't flip over your coffee cup or other glassware you won't be using. If a beverage is served during the meal that you don't want, simply hold your hand over the cup and say, "No thank you."

If you have to leave the table during the meal, say a soft "excuse me" to the people on either side of you, leave your napkin on your chair (not the table) and push the chair under the table as you leave.

As you look at your place setting, remember that solids are on the left and liquids are on the right. In other words, your bread plate is on the left side above your forks and your drinking glasses are on the right side above the knife and spoons. Use silverware from the outside in. The first fork you will need will probably be your salad fork, the one farthest on the left. The larger fork directly to its right is your dinner fork. On the far right side of your place setting will most likely be a soup spoon, and on its left, a teaspoon followed by the knife. If you see utensils placed horizontally across the top of your place setting, save those for dessert. Remember - once a utensil has been used for eating, it never again touches the tablecloth, only the china!


Click on this place setting to see a larger image!

Your "real estate" at a table consists of, not only your place setting, but also the other items directly in front of you. It is your responsibility to take notice of those things and initiate their use. Roll baskets, butter, cream, salad dressings, sugar, salt and pepper - if they're within your reach, pick them up and start them around. Pass to the right and refrain from helping yourself first. Those items should make a complete pass around the table before you get your turn. If you just can't stand not having first choice of the rolls, turn to your neighbor on your right and say, "Would you mind if I help myself first?" They'll always say yes. Whenever you pass something with a handle, such as dressings, pass it with the handle facing the other person so that they can grasp it easily. And always pass the salt and pepper as a set, even if only one was requested.

It's important that you place the butter first on the bread plate before buttering your bread. Break up your bread or rolls into one- or two-bite morsels for buttering and eating. Whatever you take up to your mouth to eat should be eaten in one or two consecutive bites. Your tablemates don't want to see the part that didn't quite fit in your mouth placed back on your bread plate!

To eat soup properly, draw the spoon away from you and quietly sip the soup from the side of the spoon. Tilt the bowl away from you to get to the last drops. When you're finished, place the spoon on the plate beneath the soup bowl. If there is no plate, rest the spoon in the bowl. Follow these same guidelines for any dessert served in a bowl.

Salads should be prepared so that they consist of bite-size pieces. But if the salad contains leaves that are too big to eat, use your salad fork to cut them into smaller pieces. And if that doesn't work, use your dinner knife. But only use the knife when all other methods have failed. Why? Because you'll also need that knife for the main course, and after you've used it for the salad, there's no place to put it so that it doesn't also disappear with the salad plate.

When eating the main course, pace your speed of eating to that of your tablemates so that you don't make them feel uncomfortable. In the United States, we eat "American Style". Here's how to do it. Cut your food with the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right hand. Cut only one piece at a time. Then lay your knife down along the top edge of the plate and transfer the fork to your right hand. Bring the food up to your mouth with the tines on the fork facing upward. Don't stab your food or hold the silverware with your fists. And be careful not to gesture or point with your silverware, whether or not it has food on it.

If you must remove something from your mouth as you eat, take it out the way it went in. In other words, if it entered your mouth on a fork, remove it with your fork. If it was finger food, use your fingers to remove it. Hold your napkin in front of your mouth to mask the removal, then place the item on the side of your plate. Don't try to hide it under the plate, because as soon as the plates are cleared it will be left behind on the tablecloth! Don't hide any paper trash you've accumulated during the meal under your plate either. Just place it on the edge of your bread plate.

At the conclusion of the meal, imagine your dinner plate as a clock and place your utensils in the 4:20 position. It's considered rude to push your plates away, stack them up or hand them to the server. Place your loosely-folded napkin on the table just as you stand to leave, not before.

Maneuvering through a meal doesn't have to be scary. Like all elements of etiquette, it boils down to common sense combined with kindness. Knowing the guidelines for dining etiquette gives you confidence so that you can relax and enjoy the meal and company. And in this fast-food age, it can also make you unforgettable!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved
CUBICLE ETIQUETTE

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

Is your current workspace a cubicle? Is a move into a cubicle in your near future? Life in a cube presents certain challenges. And if you’re being moved out of an office into a cube farm, the change can be emotional, as well. Working in a cubicle does have some upsides, such as developing an open and connected staff and creating a feeling of camaraderie. However, studies show that most workers are not thrilled with the idea of working in a cube because of the lack of privacy and the increased noise. Here, then, is a set of ground rules that will help cube dwellers remain both productive and neighborly.

PRIVACY

Never enter someone’s cubicle without permission. Behave as though cubicles have doors. Do not enter before you have eye contact “permission” from the occupant.

Try not to sneak up behind someone in a cube. Announce yourself at their doorway or lightly knock on the wall.

Post a sign or flag at your cube entrance to signal when you can be interrupted. Avoid making eye contact with people if you don’t want to be interrupted.

Don’t “prairie-dog” over the tops of cubes or peek in as you walk past each one.

Don’t loiter outside someone’s cube while you wait for him or her to finish a phone call. Come back at another time.

Never read someone’s computer screen or comment on conversations you’ve overheard. Resist answering a question you overheard asked in the cube next to you!

Keep your hands off a cube dweller’s desk. Just because there’s no door doesn’t mean you can help yourself to their paper clips.



PHONES

Try to pick up your phone after one or two rings. Set the ringer volume at a low level.

Limit the use of speakerphones. If you must use one, keep the volume as low as possible. Use a meeting room for conference calls.

Watch your volume when talking on the phone. A headset can help keep your voice low.

When you leave your cubicle, turn your phone ringer off and let it go to voicemail or forward your phone number to your new location.

Never leave your cell phone behind in your cube without first turning it off or to vibrate.

With personal or sensitive calls, be aware that your neighbors can hear your end of the conversation.



TALKING

Use your “library voice”.

Don’t talk through cube walls or congregate outside someone’s cube. For impromptu meetings, go to a conference room or break room.

Don’t bring clients to your cube to meet with them. Go to an office or conference room.

Don’t yell across the “cube farm”. Get up and move to the other person’s location.



GENERAL NOISE

Use email or instant messaging to communicate silently with your coworkers.

Play radios at low volumes or use a headset.

Set your PC volume to a low level and turn off screensaver sound effects.

Set pagers to vibrate.

Work out an arrangement with your neighbors to take lunch breaks at different times. This will give each of you some quiet time in your cube.

Eat quietly. Avoid gum-popping, humming, slurping and pen tapping.



SMELLS

A good rule of thumb is to never eat hot food at your desk. Food odors can bother your hungry or nauseous neighbors.

Perfume and cologne should be avoided in a cubicle arrangement. Your neighbors may have allergies.

Keep an air freshener handy.

Keep your shoes on!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


BUSINESS ETIQUETTE IN JAPAN

by Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications



While in Japan, DO...

Learn some basic Japanese expressions.
Call the Japanese by their proper titles. Use last names plus "san" to mean Mr. or Mrs. Never address a Japanese by his first name.
Business cards are ceremonial and extremely important. Carry plenty of cards printed in two languages - one side English, one Japanese. Take a card swiftly from your inner jacket pocket, not the back pants pocket, and hand it Japanese-side front. Receive their card with both hands, bow a little, then take a moment to read it. Place the card in the left inner jacket pocket. Never write on their card.
If someone bows to you, observe it carefully. Bow to the same depth. Lower your eyes and keep your palms flat against your thighs.
The less eye contact, the better. Japanese view our direct eye contact as an affront. When conversing, only an occasional glance into the other person's face is necessary.
The seller is always lower in status than the buyer. Be humble and show sincerity.
Show greatest respect to the oldest members of the Japanese group. Age equals rank.
On the job, the Japanese are very serious and do not try to lighten things up with humor.
Business entertaining usually occurs after-hours and rarely in the home. You will be entertained often and often on short notice. Be enthusiastic while eating and show great appreciation afterwards.
Contracts are not perceived as final agreements. You or they may renegotiate.
Recognize that Japanese business society is group-oriented. The individual should not stand out.


While in Japan, Don't...

Don't be offended by the many personal questions Japanese ask foreigners. Expect to be asked about your job, responsibilities, even salary. They are merely trying to decide how to address you.
No casual outfits or big gifts at a first meeting.
Never cross your arms when listening to someone speak.
No male-female touching in public.
Males do not engage in back-slapping or other forms of touching.
Direct eye contact is not the norm.
Don't tell jokes until you know a person well. Avoid American slang.
Don't ask about private matters, like wife or children, unless they offer first.
No deals are made during the first meeting. Be patient. Watch for nodding of heads - it means they are listening, not that you got the deal.


Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


CHOOSING WINE

by Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

I met recently with Gregg Wilson, Wine Manager, to discuss choosing wines for serving at dinner parties and to give as gifts. We discussed wines that would appeal to young corporate types as well as older, established executives.

Gregg strongly recommends California cabernets as wines that are both classic and trendy. "You’ll always be safe choosing a vintage from the 1990’s. The entire decade is considered excellent. 1994 was an especially good year," said Wilson. To really impress your companions, look for "Opus One" from Robert Mondavi, or "Silver Oak" cabernets. They are much sought after because they are highly-rated, very drinkable and in short supply. Look for them in the Fall when each vintage is released. Prices for good cabernets will run from $20 to $100 a bottle. But don’t choose a wine based solely on price. "For example", Gregg said, "a 1995 vintage "Dominus" runs about $100, but that was not as good a year for it as 1994. It can easily be beat in quality by a $40 bottle of another California cabernet."

California chardonnays, which are preferred when serving fish, do not make as impressive a gift. "They aren’t viewed as collectible by those who appreciate wine," offered Greg. He does recommend Cakebread Cellar and Sonoma-Cutrer as good chardonnays to serve. California chardonnays run from $25 to $40 a bottle.

If you are in the market for wine to either give to or serve an older, more sophisticated client or business associate, consider French wines. At the top of the list are bordeauxs and burgundies. Bordeauxs such as Mouton Rothschild, Lafite Rothschild and Latour cost between $150 to $275. Burgundies can run from about $55 to $70 a bottle. However, Greg warns, you must invest time in studying French wines before making a purchase. French wines are complicated and you must be knowledgeble about the geography, history, vineyard, etc. to make an informed choice.

More advice from Greg — study "Wine Spectator" magazine, available at bookstores. They rate wines and any wine rated a 96 or above is definitely worth trying. And be willing to expand your wine horizons and experiment with wines from other countries, like Spain, Italy and Australia. Perhaps most importantly, develop a relationship with a knowledgeable wine specialist.

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

©2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

THE BUSINESS LUNCH
by Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP
Bremer Communications


More business in America is conducted over restaurant tables than in offices. We take clients to breakfast, lunch, tea, cocktails and dinner to discuss business and strengthen relationships. Prospective employees are often evaluated over a meal, as are current employees in line for a promotion. Your social etiquette skills can often be a determining factor in your success with clients and superiors. What follows are some tips for planning and executing the perfect business lunch.

First of all, develop relationships with a few nice restaurants. Get acquainted with the manager, maitre 'd and servers. You'll receive great service and have special requests honored.

INVITATION - When you invite someone to lunch, make it clear you will be the host, that you will be paying. Suggest several different restaurants and let the guest choose. Always make reservations (you should only be taking guests to restaurants that accept reservations). On the day of your lunch, call your guest in the morning to confirm the place and time.

ARRIVAL - Arrive ten minutes ahead of your reservation and ask to have your table and server pointed out to you now. If possible, take your server aside and explain that the bill should come to you at the end of the meal. Or let them input your credit card information now.

Wait for your guest in the lobby, and let them precede you as you walk to the table. They should be seated first and in the best seat.

ORDERING - Since you dine regularly at this restaurant, you'll be able to make recommendations to your guest. Be sure that you order something easy to eat so you can carry on a conversation. Don't order anything too crunchy, messy or anything you have to eat with your hands. Choose simple, knife-and-fork food.

SMOKING/DRINKING - Follow the lead of your guest. If he or she smokes and you don't, and you think you can tolerate the smoke, sit in Smoking. If you smoke and your guest doesn't, sit in Non-Smoking if you possibly can. Smokers should wait for all food to be cleared from the table before lighting up, and always ask permission from others at the table. Be aware of the direction of your smoke.

When the server takes the drink order, ask you guest if they would like a cocktail, and then follow their lead. If they order alcohol, you can too, but limit your drinks to one or two light ones. If they don't drink, you don't.

BUSINESS - Wait until the meal is finished before initiating any serious talk of business. Documents only go on top of the table, briefcases never. Notebook computers are being seen more at restaurants. If you need one for your discussion, change seats to get closer to your guest. Turn your beepers and cell phone to "silent signal" or off completely.

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


GIFT-GIVING ETIQUETTE

Giovinella Gonthier, owner of Gonthier's Selections and Protocol in Chicago, sat down with Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, recently to discuss the protocol for gift-giving in business.

Jill Bremer: You've had so many interesting positions and projects in your professional life. Please share with us some of your impressive credentials.

Giovinella Gonthier: I have a Masters degree from Harvard and I was the Ambassador of my country, the Seychelles Islands, to the United Nations for almost eight consecutive years during the height of the "cold war". I was also concurrently accredited to the United States. Prior to my U.N. posting, I was the charge d'affair in our Paris embassy and before that, I was in our Ministry of Foreign Affairs in the Seychelles. I grew up in East Africa and have traveled extensively. I have also been Ambassador to some of the Central American countries and to Cuba. So I have had to deal with a variety of cultures and people of different religions and ages.

J.B.: How did you decide that there was a need for a business such as yours?

G.G.: On one of my travels to Japan, I realized that I was totally unprepared for the protocols of gift giving and exchanging. I didn't know anything about the concept of "perceived value" or the value of reciprocity or the importance they, as a culture, attach to both giving and receiving gifts. I was embarrassed, so when I came back from that trip I decided to something about my own ignorance.

J.B.: What did you do?

G.G.: I talked to a lot of people about their own faux pas, I read many books and decided that this would never happen to me again. I felt there was a need for this service in the United States because I found that gift-giving is usually an afterthought and not considered an integral part of the overall business strategy, which it should be. I have also found that it is usually delegated to an overworked secretary who often takes the easiest route. The result is usually an inappropriate, generic, mass-produced gift. In Europe, Asia and Africa, it is usually the CEO themselves who make the gift decisions.

J.B.: Why do we give gifts in business?

G.G.: We give them to promote goodwill, to demonstrate gratitude and to continue good relationships. Everyone loves receiving a well-thought-out gift.

J.B.: When should we give gifts in business?

G.G.: We give gifts when we close a deal to show good faith and to demonstrate happiness that the arduous process has ended. We give gifts to demonstrate good will on an ongoing basis. We also give gifts to celebrate a windfall.

J.B.: Could you share a few gift giving horror stories?

G.G.: Something occurred recently that I witnessed, when the Foreign Minister of Egypt was here in Chicago. The Governor's representative gave him exactly what should not be given to someone from the Gulf States or the Middle East, which is a gift made out of wood. The perceived value of wood is very low, because in desert countries they don't have wood so they don't know how to view it. Secondly, a gift like that won't last very long because their air is very dry. So you really have to be very discerning about the gifts you choose and who you give them to, especially considering our global economy and different cultures.

One of the big, big errors that I see most people make is that they give a gift that they themselves would like to receive, rather than selecting a gift from the perspective of the recipient. This is where we come in as a professional company. We do a lot of research into the background of the gift recipient and determine what they would like to receive. For example, Motorola was receiving the President of Egypt last year and they were trying to find a gift for him. We did some research into his background and found out that he loves to play squash. So we made a special squash racquet for him. He was very, very pleased because he got something that he liked. We know that it will be used, that it will not be junked or recycled to someone else. He also knew that a lot of thought had gone into that gift, that it wasn't a last minute decision.

J.B.: What are some examples of appropriate and inappropriate gifts in American business?

G.G.: Any form of lingerie would be inappropriate. Women do not like to receive gifts like that in public, and yet it's done all the time. Other inappropriate gifts in the workplace are gag gifts, especially when there is sexual orientation to it. It makes the recipient extremely uncomfortable. During Christmas, people like to give food or beverage items. But you must make sure that your recipient is not allergic to that kind of food.

J.B.: We should probably be very careful about gifts of liquor, shouldn't we?

G.G.: Absolutely, that can be a major issue for some people. So again, you really have to do research on the gift recipient and that is where somebody like me comes in. We do not only research what President Mubarak would like, but also what the ordinary office worker would like. It is just as important for her to be happy.

J.B.: What are the items that you can never go wrong with?

G.G.: You can never go wrong with artistic, one-of-a-kind products. And what you must always keep in mind is the concept of perceived value. What is perceived as valuable by one culture may not be valuable to another. For example, if you're going to Mexico on business, you don't take something made of silver. They have an abundance of it there and the perceived value of it is very low. They think of silver as cheap. If you have a Mexican-American working for you here in the U.S. and you want to give silver frames to your employees as a gift, you may want to reconsider giving it to that employee. She will know that she can get that for practically nothing back in Mexico. If you want to give chocolates to someone and you have found through your research that they are not allergic or on a diet, you still have to think about the perceived value of that box of chocolates. What message will your gift recipient take from this? Was this an afterthought or a last-minute decision?

J.B.: So a gift of chocolates from the corner candy store will not have much perceived value because they are so readily available, but a hard-to-find imported chocolate would have more value?

G.G.: It would have value if the person you are gifting loves chocolate! It all comes down to thought - how much thought was put into this gift? A gift could be very simple, for example, a corkscrew. To a wine collector that would have high perceived value, even if it cost five dollars.

J.B.: What should we spend on business gifts?

G.G.: A very good question. We call it the concept of "face". Look at the hierarchy. The higher up a person is, the more expensive the gift should be. If you're giving gifts to an entire group of people, perhaps because they were involved in closing a deal with you, never give gifts of the same look and value to everybody. The Chairman or CEO should get something a bit more special than the V.P., and so on down the line. That's important so that they don't lose face.

Find out about the gift-giving culture in your own office. Do people exchange small gifts? Do they give gifts to the boss? If you are new to the office, ask around to find out how it's done and how much is usually spent. Never give someone something that is too expensive. That will make them feel that they have to reciprocate at that level.

J.B.: How should gifts be presented? In person, by mail?

G.G.: It depends on the circumstances. At Christmas, most gifts are sent by mail. At a celebratory dinner, gifts will be presented then. Westerners will usually open the gift, Asians will not open the gift in front of others, again it's the concept of saving face. A retirement gift should be presented unwrapped at the retirement party.

What people don't want anymore is generic, mass-produced things. In this technological age, we have come to appreciate what is made by hand, creative and original. With my American clients, I try to make them look at quality more than quantity and size. Size seems to be very important in the U.S. My task is to teach my clients that a good gift doesn't have to be big.

J.B.: How should we acknowledge a gift that we have been given?

G.G.: The best way to acknowledge a gift is with a handwritten note. Even if you don't like the gift, it should be acknowledged that it was received. Otherwise you should be very effusive, especially when you find that the giver has put a lot of time and thought into your gift. Even Christmas gifts should be acknowledged with a note.

J.B.: Any last words of advice?

G.G.: I would be very discerning about promotional gift items, they're not always appropriate. Promotional items are to advertise your own company, not to acknowledge the accomplishments of the recipient. However, we do offer those types of gifts for the situations when they are appropriate. Keep in mind the concepts of perceived value and saving face. Do your research and look for creative, uncommon gifts. And make gift giving a priority in your business strategy. Remember that gifts to employees and coworkers are just as important as gifts to VIP's. We believe that professional advice is crucial in gift-giving. We can help you find the perfect gift that is both culturally appropriate and treasured by the recipient.

Giovinella Gonthier, owner of Gonthier's Selections and Protocol, offers dignitary management, international business development and executive gift selection. She can be reached at 312-655-0533 or by email at rgwgg@msn.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved






DINING ETIQUETTE FOR
THE FAST-FOOD GENERATION



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

Everyone needs an etiquette book on his or her shelf, one of those five-pound encyclopedias of everything related to manners. I think it should be a mandatory gift to every graduate, right along with the PDA and new briefcase. I received one when I finished high school and I still have it on my bookshelf. It's a little dog-eared, but the advice within isn't showing its age (unlike its owner).

Why is this book so important? You'll be glad you have it when you're faced with an invitation to a formal event. It will teach you first how to properly respond to the invitation and then, how to eat that multi-course meal with dozens of utensils, plates and glasses. It can help you plan a wedding, teach you how to write a letter, even how to get along with your co-workers.

But in this fast-food era, many people have forgotten - or were never taught - the fundamentals of dining etiquette. Which way should I pass? Which fork is mine? What do I do with my napkin? What follows are the answers to the basic questions many people have about dining. (If you need advice on how to combine business with a meal, please read "The Business Lunch" posted in the "Image Insights" archives.)

The first thing to do after being seated at a table is to immediately place your napkin in your lap. Unfold it into either a large triangle or rectangle. Never use your napkin as a tissue, but have one close by if you think you'll need to wipe your nose during the meal. Ladies should blot their lipstick with a tissue before eating so that they don't soil the cloth napkin and glassware. Don't flip over your coffee cup or other glassware you won't be using. If a beverage is served during the meal that you don't want, simply hold your hand over the cup and say, "No thank you."

If you have to leave the table during the meal, say a soft "excuse me" to the people on either side of you, leave your napkin on your chair (not the table) and push the chair under the table as you leave.

As you look at your place setting, remember that solids are on the left and liquids are on the right. In other words, your bread plate is on the left side above your forks and your drinking glasses are on the right side above the knife and spoons. Use silverware from the outside in. The first fork you will need will probably be your salad fork, the one farthest on the left. The larger fork directly to its right is your dinner fork. On the far right side of your place setting will most likely be a soup spoon, and on its left, a teaspoon followed by the knife. If you see utensils placed horizontally across the top of your place setting, save those for dessert. Remember - once a utensil has been used for eating, it never again touches the tablecloth, only the china!


Click on this place setting to see a larger image!

Your "real estate" at a table consists of, not only your place setting, but also the other items directly in front of you. It is your responsibility to take notice of those things and initiate their use. Roll baskets, butter, cream, salad dressings, sugar, salt and pepper - if they're within your reach, pick them up and start them around. Pass to the right and refrain from helping yourself first. Those items should make a complete pass around the table before you get your turn. If you just can't stand not having first choice of the rolls, turn to your neighbor on your right and say, "Would you mind if I help myself first?" They'll always say yes. Whenever you pass something with a handle, such as dressings, pass it with the handle facing the other person so that they can grasp it easily. And always pass the salt and pepper as a set, even if only one was requested.

It's important that you place the butter first on the bread plate before buttering your bread. Break up your bread or rolls into one- or two-bite morsels for buttering and eating. Whatever you take up to your mouth to eat should be eaten in one or two consecutive bites. Your tablemates don't want to see the part that didn't quite fit in your mouth placed back on your bread plate!

To eat soup properly, draw the spoon away from you and quietly sip the soup from the side of the spoon. Tilt the bowl away from you to get to the last drops. When you're finished, place the spoon on the plate beneath the soup bowl. If there is no plate, rest the spoon in the bowl. Follow these same guidelines for any dessert served in a bowl.

Salads should be prepared so that they consist of bite-size pieces. But if the salad contains leaves that are too big to eat, use your salad fork to cut them into smaller pieces. And if that doesn't work, use your dinner knife. But only use the knife when all other methods have failed. Why? Because you'll also need that knife for the main course, and after you've used it for the salad, there's no place to put it so that it doesn't also disappear with the salad plate.

When eating the main course, pace your speed of eating to that of your tablemates so that you don't make them feel uncomfortable. In the United States, we eat "American Style". Here's how to do it. Cut your food with the fork in your left hand and the knife in your right hand. Cut only one piece at a time. Then lay your knife down along the top edge of the plate and transfer the fork to your right hand. Bring the food up to your mouth with the tines on the fork facing upward. Don't stab your food or hold the silverware with your fists. And be careful not to gesture or point with your silverware, whether or not it has food on it.

If you must remove something from your mouth as you eat, take it out the way it went in. In other words, if it entered your mouth on a fork, remove it with your fork. If it was finger food, use your fingers to remove it. Hold your napkin in front of your mouth to mask the removal, then place the item on the side of your plate. Don't try to hide it under the plate, because as soon as the plates are cleared it will be left behind on the tablecloth! Don't hide any paper trash you've accumulated during the meal under your plate either. Just place it on the edge of your bread plate.

At the conclusion of the meal, imagine your dinner plate as a clock and place your utensils in the 4:20 position. It's considered rude to push your plates away, stack them up or hand them to the server. Place your loosely-folded napkin on the table just as you stand to leave, not before.

Maneuvering through a meal doesn't have to be scary. Like all elements of etiquette, it boils down to common sense combined with kindness. Knowing the guidelines for dining etiquette gives you confidence so that you can relax and enjoy the meal and company. And in this fast-food age, it can also make you unforgettable!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can
THANK-YOU NOTE ETIQUETTE



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

The impact of a handwritten thank-you note is often overlooked in today's fast-paced "why-write-something-when-I-can-email-it" world. A note written promptly and sincerely is an important ritual of etiquette that is much more effective and appreciated than a phone call or electronic message. Yes, we have a lot of technology at our fingertips, but just because we can do that way doesn't mean we should.

Most of our mail each day is filled with advertisements and bills. Handwritten notes and letters are a rarity, which makes them that much more meaningful to the recipient. When you write a note by hand, it shows the other person that you cared enough to pull out the stationery box and choose your words without the conveniences of the grammar tool and spellchecker! Written notes are also permanent, which means they can be saved by the recipient and passed around to share with others.

A few years ago, I worried for weeks about what to get a special client for Christmas. This was someone I had worked with very closely for a number of years on many different projects. She is laden each holiday season with several dozen gifts - fruit, wine, books, etc. I didn't want my gift to get lost in the crowd, so I decided to send her a personal note of thanks. I spent a long time choosing just the right words to express what I had learned from her and how I valued our working relationship. She called me the next week to tell me how special the note was, that she had passed it around to her staff and would treasure it forever. She said it was the one gift that actually meant something to her that year.

Thank you notes should be written to thank someone for a gift, a meal or for a favor done. Your appreciation should be acknowledged within 72 hours; thank-yous seem much more sincere when they are expressed promptly. I think one reason people don't send thank-you notes is because they don't own proper stationery. Both men and women need a collection of personalized social stationery, such as letter sheets (for women), Monarch sheets (for men), half sheets, foldover cards (also know as Informals), correspondence cards and envelopes. This set of stationery can be used for letters, thank-you notes, issuing invitations, replying to invitations and gift enclosures. Consider investing in these items; they will serve you well and make a great impression on your recipients.

Correspondence cards are the best choice for thank-you notes, however women may also choose Informals for their notes. Here is a sample format for a thank-you note for a gift:

Start by expressing appreciation - "Thank you for the beautiful picture frame."

Mention the gift's usefulness - "It is the perfect size for our large anniversary picture. The fact that our names and anniversary date are engraved on the frame makes it so special. It looks perfect on the hall table. In fact, it's the first thing you see when you open our front door."

Express the hope for a future meeting - "I hope you and Don can visit us soon to see how we are enjoying your thoughtful gift."

There is really no excuse for not writing a thank-you note. Purchase the proper tools and make it a habit to write a note as soon as possible after the event or receiving the gift. And, please, teach your children to do the same.

It is believed by many people that thank-you notes helped elect George Bush (the first one!) to the U.S. Presidency. He carried a box of cards with him everywhere he went on the campaign trail and jotted a note immediately following each event to the volunteers or hosts. Many believe the personal touch of those notes is what propelled him into the White House. Is there a presidency in your future? Start writing those notes. And when you get there, send me one, too!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

THANK-YOU NOTE ETIQUETTE



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

The impact of a handwritten thank-you note is often overlooked in today's fast-paced "why-write-something-when-I-can-email-it" world. A note written promptly and sincerely is an important ritual of etiquette that is much more effective and appreciated than a phone call or electronic message. Yes, we have a lot of technology at our fingertips, but just because we can do that way doesn't mean we should.

Most of our mail each day is filled with advertisements and bills. Handwritten notes and letters are a rarity, which makes them that much more meaningful to the recipient. When you write a note by hand, it shows the other person that you cared enough to pull out the stationery box and choose your words without the conveniences of the grammar tool and spellchecker! Written notes are also permanent, which means they can be saved by the recipient and passed around to share with others.

A few years ago, I worried for weeks about what to get a special client for Christmas. This was someone I had worked with very closely for a number of years on many different projects. She is laden each holiday season with several dozen gifts - fruit, wine, books, etc. I didn't want my gift to get lost in the crowd, so I decided to send her a personal note of thanks. I spent a long time choosing just the right words to express what I had learned from her and how I valued our working relationship. She called me the next week to tell me how special the note was, that she had passed it around to her staff and would treasure it forever. She said it was the one gift that actually meant something to her that year.

Thank you notes should be written to thank someone for a gift, a meal or for a favor done. Your appreciation should be acknowledged within 72 hours; thank-yous seem much more sincere when they are expressed promptly. I think one reason people don't send thank-you notes is because they don't own proper stationery. Both men and women need a collection of personalized social stationery, such as letter sheets (for women), Monarch sheets (for men), half sheets, foldover cards (also know as Informals), correspondence cards and envelopes. This set of stationery can be used for letters, thank-you notes, issuing invitations, replying to invitations and gift enclosures. Consider investing in these items; they will serve you well and make a great impression on your recipients.

Correspondence cards are the best choice for thank-you notes, however women may also choose Informals for their notes. Here is a sample format for a thank-you note for a gift:

Start by expressing appreciation - "Thank you for the beautiful picture frame."

Mention the gift's usefulness - "It is the perfect size for our large anniversary picture. The fact that our names and anniversary date are engraved on the frame makes it so special. It looks perfect on the hall table. In fact, it's the first thing you see when you open our front door."

Express the hope for a future meeting - "I hope you and Don can visit us soon to see how we are enjoying your thoughtful gift."

There is really no excuse for not writing a thank-you note. Purchase the proper tools and make it a habit to write a note as soon as possible after the event or receiving the gift. And, please, teach your children to do the same.

It is believed by many people that thank-you notes helped elect George Bush (the first one!) to the U.S. Presidency. He carried a box of cards with him everywhere he went on the campaign trail and jotted a note immediately following each event to the volunteers or hosts. Many believe the personal touch of those notes is what propelled him into the White House. Is there a presidency in your future? Start writing those notes. And when you get there, send me one, too!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

THANK-YOU NOTE ETIQUETTE



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

The impact of a handwritten thank-you note is often overlooked in today's fast-paced "why-write-something-when-I-can-email-it" world. A note written promptly and sincerely is an important ritual of etiquette that is much more effective and appreciated than a phone call or electronic message. Yes, we have a lot of technology at our fingertips, but just because we can do that way doesn't mean we should.

Most of our mail each day is filled with advertisements and bills. Handwritten notes and letters are a rarity, which makes them that much more meaningful to the recipient. When you write a note by hand, it shows the other person that you cared enough to pull out the stationery box and choose your words without the conveniences of the grammar tool and spellchecker! Written notes are also permanent, which means they can be saved by the recipient and passed around to share with others.

A few years ago, I worried for weeks about what to get a special client for Christmas. This was someone I had worked with very closely for a number of years on many different projects. She is laden each holiday season with several dozen gifts - fruit, wine, books, etc. I didn't want my gift to get lost in the crowd, so I decided to send her a personal note of thanks. I spent a long time choosing just the right words to express what I had learned from her and how I valued our working relationship. She called me the next week to tell me how special the note was, that she had passed it around to her staff and would treasure it forever. She said it was the one gift that actually meant something to her that year.

Thank you notes should be written to thank someone for a gift, a meal or for a favor done. Your appreciation should be acknowledged within 72 hours; thank-yous seem much more sincere when they are expressed promptly. I think one reason people don't send thank-you notes is because they don't own proper stationery. Both men and women need a collection of personalized social stationery, such as letter sheets (for women), Monarch sheets (for men), half sheets, foldover cards (also know as Informals), correspondence cards and envelopes. This set of stationery can be used for letters, thank-you notes, issuing invitations, replying to invitations and gift enclosures. Consider investing in these items; they will serve you well and make a great impression on your recipients.

Correspondence cards are the best choice for thank-you notes, however women may also choose Informals for their notes. Here is a sample format for a thank-you note for a gift:

Start by expressing appreciation - "Thank you for the beautiful picture frame."

Mention the gift's usefulness - "It is the perfect size for our large anniversary picture. The fact that our names and anniversary date are engraved on the frame makes it so special. It looks perfect on the hall table. In fact, it's the first thing you see when you open our front door."

Express the hope for a future meeting - "I hope you and Don can visit us soon to see how we are enjoying your thoughtful gift."

There is really no excuse for not writing a thank-you note. Purchase the proper tools and make it a habit to write a note as soon as possible after the event or receiving the gift. And, please, teach your children to do the same.

It is believed by many people that thank-you notes helped elect George Bush (the first one!) to the U.S. Presidency. He carried a box of cards with him everywhere he went on the campaign trail and jotted a note immediately following each event to the volunteers or hosts. Many believe the personal touch of those notes is what propelled him into the White House. Is there a presidency in your future? Start writing those notes. And when you get there, send me one, too!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

MAKING TOASTS



By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications



Toasts are not a part of our everyday life, but it's important to know how to make a proper one when the occasion does present itself. Most often given at weddings, toasts are appropriate any time good friends get together socially.

In general, there are two points during a meal when a toast can be offered; both should be initiated by the host. The first toast is offered before eating and serves to welcome the guests. "I'd like to welcome all of you to the banquet today. Bon appetit!" A toast to the guest of honor is made after the dessert course when the wine glasses have been refilled or the champagne has been served. This toast is more like a short speech (1-2 minutes) that needs to be prepared and rehearsed ahead of time. It should be light, warm and humorous in tone and include personal anecdotes and words of admiration for the honored guest. Conclude by quoting a short, formal toast (see samples below).

Be sure that you don't jump in with a toast before the host has an opportunity to offer one himself. If it looks like the host is not going to give a toast, approach him quietly and ask permission to offer one yourself. When there is no guest of honor at an event, a toast can be made to the host by one of the guests.

Toasting Techniques:

To get the group's attention, never bang on a glass; simply stand, holding your glass in the air. (Toasts should be offered standing, unless at a private, small affair or in a public restaurant.)

The person being toasted remains seated.

Don't hold your glass in the air during your toast. Set it down after you get their attention, make your toast, then raise your glass and ask the others to raise theirs for your formal, final words. You can also ask the group to stand for the final words.

Guests respond by taking a sip of their drink, not draining the glass. For those not drinking alcohol, toasting with water or a soft drink is acceptable. The person being toasted does not drink.

The guest of honor often returns the toast, thanking the host for their kind words and then proposing a toast of their own to the host.

What follows are a few of my favorite traditional toasts, suitable for your final words.

May there always be work for your hands to do.

May your purse always hold a coin or two.

May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane.

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.



May you both live as long as you want,

And never want as long as you live.



May your glasses be ever full.

May the roof over your heads be always strong.

And may you be in heaven half an hour

before the devil knows you're dead.



May your troubles be less

And your blessings be more.

And nothing but happiness

Come through your door.



May your neighbors respect you,

trouble neglect you,

angels protect you,

and heaven accept you!



May all your joys be pure joys,

and all your pain champagne.



May misfortune follow you the rest of your life,

but never catch up.



Happiness being a dessert so sweet

May life give you more than you can ever eat.



Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at jill@bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

HANDSHAKES AND INTRODUCTIONS
IN BUSINESS

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications



HANDSHAKES

Handshakes are the only consistent physical contact we have in the business world. They also happen first in an encounter, so they set the tone for the entire relationship that follows. People make an immediate judgment about your character and level of confidence through your handshake. So take time to practice your handshake skills until you know you can perform them well.

Offer your entire hand, moving into your partner’s until “web meets web” (the area between the thumb and forefinger). Grasp firmly, shake gently for 3-4 seconds (no pumping!) and then release. Don’t forget to make eye contact and add a smile. Be ready to offer your full name, even if you’ve met before. Don’t assume casual acquaintances will remember you, so give your name quickly and remind them where you met.

Practice with someone and ask for his or her honest feedback. At all costs, avoid the “wet noodle”, “bone-crusher”, “fingers only” and two-handed shakes. They convey nothing but negative messages to others.

When do you shake hands? Whenever you’re introduced to someone, when someone enters your office from the outside, when you leave an event attended by people from the outside and when you run into someone outside your office. A good rule of thumb – if you shook hands at the beginning, you should also shake when you say goodbye.

INTRODUCTIONS

There are two kinds of introductions: self-introductions and three-party introductions.

When do you introduce yourself? When you recognize someone and he or she doesn’t recognize you, whenever you’re seated next to someone you don’t know, when the introducer doesn’t remember your name and when you’re the friend of a friend. Extend your hand, offer your first and last names and share something about yourself or the event you’re attending.

Tip: In a self-introduction, never give yourself an honorific such as Mr., Ms., Dr., etc.

In a three-person introduction, your role is to introduce two people to each other. In a business or business/social situation, one must take into consideration the rank of the people involved in order to show appropriate deference. Simply say first the name of the person who should be shown the greatest respect. And remember, gender doesn’t count in the business world; protocol is based upon rank. Senior employees outrank junior employees, customers or clients outrank every employee (even the CEO), and officials (Mayor, Senator, etc.) outrank non-officials.

Begin with the superior’s name, add the introduction phrase, say the other person’s name and add some information about the second person. Then reverse the introduction by saying the second’s name, followed by the introduction phrase and the superior’s name and information. When a three-party intro is done correctly, the two people being introduced should be able to start some small talk based upon what you shared about each of them. Introductions should match, so if you know the first and last names of both people, say both. If you know only the first name of one person, say only the first names of both. If you add an honorific for one person, the other should also have one.

Examples:

“Mr. Brown, I’d like to introduce Ms. Ann Smith, who started yesterday in the mailroom. Ann, this is Douglas Brown, our CEO.”

(Ann would be wise to call the CEO “Mr. Brown” right away and not assume she may call him by his first name. Always use the last names of superiors and clients until you are invited to do otherwise.)

“Pete, I’d like to introduce to you Doug Brown, our CEO. Doug, I’d like you to meet, Pete Johnson, who’s considering our firm for his ad campaign.”

Tip: Don’t say “I’d like to introduce you to..”, but rather “I’d like to introduce to you…”

Tip: Always stand for an introduction.

Social skills are important prerequisites to succeeding in business. Knowing how to shake hands and handle introductions can set you apart from the competition, convey confidence and project a professional image. Practice these simple skills and you will reap the benefits!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


BUSINESS ENTERTAINING:
INVITING THE BOSS HOME

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications

In the United States, as in many countries around the world, December is a month filled with celebrations. Office parties, cocktail receptions, open houses and family dinners pack the calendar. Some events are business-related, some purely social or familial. Others bridge the gap and provide an opportunity for work and family to mix. Most often it happens at a company-sponsored event that includes spouses and/or children. Another way is when you invite co-workers home for a meal—even your boss! Don’t let that idea scare you. At some point in your career, you will probably want the boss to meet your family. Or perhaps you will need to repay an invitation he or she extended to you earlier. The thought of entertaining the boss at home can be stressful. Not only are your hosting skills on display, but also your skills at organization, cooking, housekeeping and, in some cases, childrearing! The solution is to have enough planning time to think through every detail.

You can choose to do either a sit-down meal or a buffet. Whichever you select, by all means be yourself. This is not the time to try to impress the boss with complicated recipes you’ve never made before or to overextend the family finances with expensive food or drink. If you enjoy the chance to plan and serve multi-course meals and showcase your fine china and silver, a sit-down meal is the way to go. Just make sure you first take into consideration the number of guests you can accommodate at your table and the limitations of your kitchen. For tips on how to set the table for a formal dinner, please read “Dining Etiquette for the Fast-Food Generation” (http://www.bremercommunications.com/Dining_Etiquette.htm).

A buffet meal can be an easier task to undertake than a sit-down dinner. It provides a more relaxed atmosphere for your boss and other guests as they can serve themselves and choose their dinner companions, too. You also have more time to visit with everyone, as most of the food is prepared ahead of time. And since seating is more informal than a sit-down meal, you can usually accommodate a few more people. On the subject of seating, you have two choices. Use your dining room table, folding card tables and tray tables for a seated buffet so that every guest has a place at a table. Or let your guests sit wherever they choose around the room. Place small tables next to seats that aren’t within reach of larger ones so that guests don’t have to balance plates on their laps.

The first step is to set the guest list and extend the invitations. A written invitation is best when inviting your boss or anyone of high rank. And be sure to include the spouse or partner. If you don’t socialize regularly with the boss, you will feel more at ease if you also include a few others from work. I like to mix up the guest list and invite people outside of work, as well. I think a combination of people makes dinner conversation more interesting. Important tip: Don’t make the mistake of assuming you can be suddenly be on a first name basis with the boss, unless you already have that privilege at work.

Next, decide on your menu and room set-up. The menu can have a theme, spotlighting regional or ethnic cuisine, or simply be a combination of your favorite gourmet store dishes along with your own best recipes. Keep food safety in mind with your buffet. You’ll need to be able to keep hot foods hot and cold foods cold. Plan on setting out small portions of each dish and replace as needed with fresh, clean platters. If possible, place the buffet table in the center of the room so that guests may serve themselves from both sides. Have a separate beverage area close to the buffet where guests can help themselves to wine, cocktails, soda, juice or water. For a seated buffet, place settings can be preset with filled water glasses, empty wine glasses, napkins and silverware. Opened wine bottles can also be set on each table for guests to pour as they like. Coffee can either be placed on the beverage table or served from a tray by the host or hostess.

As guests arrive, pre-dinner drinks are offered; dinner should start about one hour later than the time specified on the invitation. Announce that dinner is served and guests can form a line around the serving tables, helping themselves to food and drink. Guests can then help themselves to seconds as they are ready.

Spouses and significant others have responsibilities during these functions, primarily to help with the planning and execution and to make the boss and other guests feel comfortable. They can assist with greeting the arriving guests or taking newly arrived guests around to meet the others. They should also help with the refilling of glasses and platters. And perhaps most importantly, they have the responsibility to be an interesting dinner companion, to view this gathering as an opportunity to learn more about your work, boss and coworkers.

So don’t be afraid to invite the boss home. Entertaining at home can be a great way to get to know the people you work with--and for--in a relaxed environment. And with just a bit of planning, you’ll be able to relax yourself and enjoy this chance to shine!

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


EMAIL, PHONE, AND FAX ETIQUETTE

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP

Bremer Communications



The use of telephones, cell phones, speakerphones, voice mail, email and faxes has become a way of life in business. However, the rules of etiquette have not always kept pace with the innovations of technology. Here, then, is a primer on the “do’s and don’ts” of techno-etiquette.



EMAIL

Email has become the preferred method of communication for many people in business, but if not used properly, can become hazardous to relationships and careers. Email is a silent form of communication. One can neither see you as you say the words nor hear your vocal inflections; the message is contained entirely in the words you choose to write and send. Because the reader misses out on the nuances of your verbal and visual delivery the results are often miscommunication and misunderstandings.



Before you hit the send button, it’s important to proof the content for spelling and grammar mistakes. But it’s also important to read the message aloud; it’s the only way to check the tone of your message. Does it sound polite, brusque, respectful, mean? Say it out loud and you’ll be able to hear how it will sound in the recipient’s head when he or she reads it. Don’t forget to add “please” and “thank you”. Those two phrases can transform the snippiest of demands into a polite request.



Email is best used for short, simple and straightforward information. Any message longer than about half the computer screen is too long. If your content is long, consider introducing the subject in a short email and sending the details as an attachment or fax. Keep in mind, though, that you should first ask permission before attaching any large files. I also suggest that you send break up emails with multiple ideas into single-subject emails. This means that you may be sending two or three emails to someone instead of one, but in the long run, several single-subject emails will be more convenient for the recipient to file, forward and respond to than one long one.



The use of email has become important in business because it provides, in writing, information that one needs quickly. But never let the convenience of email overshadow the value of a phone call or face-to-face meeting. The “human touch” is often missing from our communications and customers and co-workers alike will appreciate the time and effort it took for you to call or stop by. Try doing both at once – send an email, but call as well to give the recipient a “heads up”. Hearing your message will enhance their reading of it.



Assume any message you send is permanent and may likely be forwarded to others.

Start with a salutation. Continue to use salutations until the relationship is well established.

Respond to all questions when returning e-mail.

Do not use email to send trivial, confidential or sensitive information. Anything truly sensitive or urgent should be telephoned.

Never use email to reprimand someone.

Never express political or religious opinions via email.

Use humor and sarcasm sparingly. Recipients may not “get” the joke.

Use industry or email acronyms, abbreviations, or emoticons sparingly.

Define your subject in the subject line.

Use upper and lower case when writing.

Use signatures with complete personal contact information.

Allow 1-2 days for a response. If you need an immediate response, call as well.

Respond to your incoming emails within 24 hours. If you need more time to respond, call or email that you are looking into it and will get back to them ASAP.



CELL PHONE/BEEPER



We all have a love-hate relationship with cell phones. They’re wonderful when we need them, but annoyed when we hear someone else’s cell phone ring or are forced to listen to their side of a conversation. Conducting a cell phone conversation in a public place is only appropriate in an emergency. Remove yourself to a private location before placing any cell phone call.



I believe the time is soon approaching when ringing cell phones in public will be considered inappropriate and unlawful. Laws are already being passed to restrict cell phone use in cars. Can cell phone noise pollution guidelines be far behind? There’s really only one correct way for cell phones to ring, and that is not at all. Turn all phones and beepers to vibrate only. End of discussion.



TELEPHONE

Answer incoming calls quickly identifying yourself by first and last name.

Identify yourself whenever you place a call – first and last name, company, and nature of call.

Speak slowly and clearly.

Listen attentively and add verbal agreement.

Use honorifics: Mr., Ms., Dr., Sir, Ma’am.

Return messages within 24 hours.

If you're in someone else's office when they get a phone call, offer to step outside.

Don’t take any calls when someone is in your office, unless it’s urgent.

Don’t talk to anyone else while you're on the phone.

Don’t do any other work or eat while on the phone.

Holds – ask the other party if they are able to hold. Never keep someone on hold for more than a minute. Each time you return, thank them for holding.



VOICEMAIL

Your outgoing message should include your name, title and company name.

Keep your outgoing voicemail message current. Update the message weekly or daily.

When out of town, state in your message when you’ll be back, whether you’ll be checking in for messages, how to contact you or who to contact in your absence.

When leaving voicemail for others, give your name slowly with proper spelling, company name and phone number. Briefly specify the purpose of your call. Let them know the best time to reach you. Leave your phone number again at the end of the message.

Try not to ramble when leaving voicemail. Messages should be no longer than thirty seconds.



SPEAKERPHONE

Use speakerphones sparingly. Whenever you use one, always ask the other party’s permission to do so and identify everyone in the room with you.

During conference calls, participants should identify themselves whenever speaking.

Consider picking the phone up periodically during the call to add a “human touch” to the conversation.



FAX



Faxes have the potential for being quite public; they can be read by anyone who happens across them at the machine. As with email, be careful never to fax admonishments or sensitive content. If you need to send confidential information via fax, call the recipient and ask that they wait by the machine at their end. Sending thank-yous, congratulatory notes, or any kind of inappropriate jokes or pictures is considered tacky and bad form.



Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved

Golf and the Seven Rules for Success on the Links

By Anna Wildermuth, AICI, CIM

Personal Images, Inc.



Golf is a good way to get to know people and build successful business relationships, whether strengthening a current one or networking into a new one. Following are seven rules to ensure the game will be above par for everyone.



Rule 1 – Know Your Game

The average male golfer scores about 100 and the female 120. If your score is at this level or lower, you will be comfortable in most golf situations. If your score is higher than average and your golfing partner's is lower, let them know in advance so you won't be embarrassed. If you are the host and your guest scores higher than average, be patient. New golfers should have at least five rounds of golf under their belt and a few lessons before playing with clients or in a golf tournament. The exception is a scramble format where only one ball is played.



Rule 2 – Dress the Part

Never wear jeans, shorts, tee shirts, or gym shoes on the golf course. It's best to wear a golf shirt (avoid large prints and palm leaves) and long pants. Shorts are acceptable if they are close to knee length for women and no less than two inches above the knee for men. Good leather golf shoes and ankle socks complete the right “personal style" in your dress. Wear a visor or hat to protect yourself from the sun.



Rule 3 – If You Are the Host or the Guest

If you are the host, choose a golf course that will be fun for your guests to play. If your guest is of the opposite sex, be sure to make locker arrangements for him or her. Inform your guests of the course dress code. If you are the guest, ask about the dress policy in advance and let your host know your golfing ability. Afterwards, send the host a thank you note along with a gift or an invitation to another round of golf.



Rule 4 – Make the Right Foursome

Make your guests comfortable by putting together a foursome with similar golf abilities and temperaments. Be sensitive to their schedules, asking if they prefer a morning or late afternoon tee time. If your guest is new golfer, schedule a tee time at an off-hour so you will not hold up everyone else on the course.



Rule 5 – Golf Etiquette

Never give nor ask for advice on the golf course. Keep complaints to yourself and never make excuses. If you have had more than 10 swings on a hole, pick up your ball so as not to hold up other golfers on the course. Never use cell phones or beepers on the golf course. If you like to bet on your golf game, bet for a drink and never for money.



Rule 6 – Never Discuss Business on the Links

Never discuss business on the golf course unless your client brings it up. Keep the discussion light, saving business for the 19th hole.



Rule 7 – The 19th Hole

Always allow time for a beverage and snack after a round of golf. This is the time to discuss business and make your case for whatever project you are working on. This is also the time to confirm you have all had a good time or to smooth over a not-so-great game. Always focus on the game highlights, never the bad shots. Most importantly, have fun!



"Most golfers prepare for disaster. A good golfer prepares for success." -Bob Toski





Anna Soo Wildermuth, AICI, CIP, president of Personal Images, Inc. specializes in image, communication and professional development training, consulting and coaching. Anna is the President of the Association of Image Consultants International. Her clients include Household International, Northern Trust Company, ABN-AMRO North America, Square D Company and Roman, Inc. She can be reached at 630-530-9440 or www.personalimagesinc.com

TIPPING AROUND THE WORLD

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP
Bremer Communications

Tipping has been around for hundreds of years. A tip, or gratuity, is defined as a gift of money given to someone for performing a service or menial task, over and above the payment due for the service. Tips are not required, but they are expected by many people in the service industry. In fact, many U.S. waiters and waitresses are paid less than minimum wage as tips are expected to make up the other part of their income. The amounts and percentages suggested below should be used as a general guideline only. If service is poor, give a smaller tip or none at all. If service is superior, feel free to be more generous with your gratuity.

In fine-dining establishments, there are a number of people to tip. Servers expect 15%-20% of the pre-tax amount of the bill. A group of six or more often receives a bill that has the gratuity already incorporated. If a number of bottles of wine are ordered during the course of the meal, the prevailing belief is that the wine costs should not be figured into the final tip. Of course, if a wine steward was involved in the selection and serving, he or she should be tipped 15% of the wine bill. A maitre d’ should be taken care of, too, as that person can help to make your dining experience a favorable one. A twenty-dollar tip is a good place to start and will help to establish a relationship between the two of you. This can work in your favor when the time comes to entertain the important people in your life and career. Bartenders should receive 15% of the bar bill, give the coat room attendant $1.00 per coat, and pass along $1.00 to the valet parker.

Tips also need to be bestowed upon certain people in the transportation industry. If you check your luggage curbside at the airport, tip your skycap a minimum of $1.00 per bag. Airport wheelchair pushers appreciate a few dollars for their efforts. Taxi drivers should be tipped 15% of the fare. Many cities around the world have established a rider’s bill of rights, which tells riders they have the right to enjoy, for example, air conditioning on command, a radio-free ride, smoke-free air, and a clean seat. Riders are encouraged not to tip if the rights are not complied with.

Hairstylists at beauty salons and barbershops should be tipped 15% of the bill; those who shampoo your hair get $1.00 to $2.00. If more than one person provides services, for example one doing color and another cutting your hair, tip each person 10%-15% of their portion of the bill. Manicurists should receive no less than $1.00 or 15% of the bill.

At hotels, give the bellhop $5.00 to $10.00 for bringing your luggage to your room. If you order room service, tips are usually included in the tab and range from 15% to18% of the bill. Chambermaids appreciate $2.00 to $5.00 each day for taking care of your room. Give the doorman at least $1.00 for helping to call a taxi, in inclement weather, give a little more. No tip is necessary for the concierge who takes care of an simple task, such as dinner reservations or a shuttle bus booking. For more complicated services, $10 to $20 is appropriate.

For a look at tipping in other countries around the world, I have invited fellow members of the Association of Image Consultants International to offer their insights.

SINGAPORE

In many Asian countries, tipping is very much a way of life for service. Socially, one can elevate one's status by extending a tip. The bigger the tip, the better the personal attention and service which can, of course, impress others. For example, at Chinese dinners, the host tips the headwaiter often before the meal to ensure excellent service. This is still practiced to some extent. However, with the erosion of traditional customs and practices in modern day Singapore, tipping is generally not encouraged by the Singapore government. There are probably several reasons for this. To woo visitors and boost tourism revenue, the government has worked hard to implement measures that make Singapore a safe destination where visitors will find modern facilities, better service, technology-aided efficiency, cleanliness and no confusion for foreigners.

Taxicabs run by meter with receipts issued upon request and tips are not required to taxi drivers. However, tipping is still done at beauty salons where a tip of S$2.00-$4.00 (S$1 = approx. US$1.7) is appropriate for the shampoo person and manicurist. It is handed directly to one's favourite service staff and this also ensures that the same service staff attends to that particular customer in the future. At some salons, there is a general tip box at the pay counter. Hair stylists who are owners of the salon are seldom tipped. S$2.00 is the amount of tip that applies to hotel service staff, although guests are often notified of a "No tipping required” policy. At restaurants, valet parkers are tipped well, from S$2-S$5. Perhaps this is because valet parking services are most often used by well-heeled individuals who arrive in plush, and often exotic, cars - especially at hotels. Proper dining restaurants levy a 10% service charge and tipping is therefore not required. However, it is often practiced by hosts who are entertaining special guests, in which case an additional 10% of the bill amount is given as a tip to the headwaiter who is supposed to share the tip with the other service staff.

Christina Ong, AICI, CIP
imageWorks
Email: iwx@pacific.net.sg

GERMANY

I do not feel that Germans are especially generous tippers. In restaurants, the common tip is 10 % of the total bill. The waiters and waitresses, however, receive a monthly salary that is considerably higher than the U.S. minimum wage. The tips they get from the guests they, of course, keep. If the restaurant bill is of a very high amount (caused, for example, by very expensive wines), the tip is usually no more than 5%-6 %. Taxi drivers usually get about 10 % of the fare shown by the meter. At German airports, there are no skycaps. The airport is full of baggage carts that are free of charge and can be taken everywhere within the airport and to the parking areas. At hotels, if you were happy with the service, it is common to leave a tip for the maid in the room when you leave. Also, you pay about 2-3 Euros for help with the luggage each time and the same amount for the doorman. You also tip the people who have been of special assistance to you. At the hairdresser, you give a 1-2 Euro tip to the person cutting your hair and 1 Euro to the person washing your hair. The owner never gets a tip. It is also customary to tip the delivery people when bigger deliveries are made to your home. At Christmas time it is common to give a tip to the mailman and to the newspaper deliveryman.

Wenche Schneider, AICI, CIP
Authentic Image
E-mail: WenkeSchneider@t-online.de
www.Wenche-Schneider.de

BRAZIL

Tipping in Brazil is flexible. There are no set guidelines and the amount, if or when is given, is entirely at a person’s discretion. At hotels, a 10% to 15% service charge is included in the bill.

Porters: R$2,00 to R$5,00 not per bag, but per trip to room at luxury hotels.

Chambermaids: Not regularly tipped; however, about R$1,00 to R$2,00 tip per day may be given at luxury hotels.

Valet: About R$2,00.

Room Service: About R$2,00 if not included in the bill.

Restaurants: A 10% service charge is included in the bill. In bars and cafes, 10% tipping is also normal if the service charge has not been already added.

Taxis: No tipping is expected; drivers might be permitted to keep some change. Frequently, hotels will negotiate the fare in advance with the driver and pass the amount on to the guest as a flat rate (tip included).

Barbers & Beauticians: A 10% to 15% tip goes to the main person attending you. Do not tip the owner of the establishment. R$1,00 to R$2,00 may be given to any other attendees.

Ana Silva
E-mail: anasilva@planet.nl

SWITZERLAND

In Switzerland a 15% service charge is already included in all hotel and restaurant bills, also in taxi bills. Although tipping has officially been abolished, many people, if they enjoyed the good service (and especially when they intend to become a regular customer!), tend to give up to 10% tipping extra. Tipping is still appropriate for railway and hotel porters (SFR 2), wash- and cloakroom attendants (SFR 1), and petrol station attendants (who clean your car's windshields). Also, in hair and beauty salons a service charge is included, but one often gives extra tipping (but seldom to the owner of the salon). Feel free to express with your tipping how you felt about the service you got - and know that, unlike in the USA, people do not expect you to tip and will never ask you for a tip - but they will thank you with a smile (all the above mentioned jobs are paid rather poorly).

Anita Altherr, AICI, CIP
Coaching + Image Management
www.imagemanagement.ch




Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development, communication and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

© 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved



Showing Respect in the Workplace

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP
Bremer Communications
www.bremercommunications.com

In this business casual world we now live in, it’s startling how casual we’ve also become with our behavior and communication. A relaxed work environment can be good – to a point. Too much informality can lead to careless remarks, absent manners, and ill feelings. It isn’t long before misunderstandings, rudeness, negligence, and even lawsuits enter the picture. According to Rude Awakenings: Overcoming the Civility Crisis in the Workplace (Dearborn Trade, 2002), 78% of respondents to one study reported aggressive and disrespectful behavior in the workplace. There is a real need to create a work environment filled with courtesy, self-restraint, and respect. A good way to start is with how you show deference to others.


Deference is an act of high regard and respect owed an elder, superior or visitor. You show respect in the ways you stand for others, take a seat at a table, move through doors, shake hands, and orchestrate introductions. In a purely social situation, defer to the females or elders in the group and help them with doors, taking a seat, etc. In business settings, deference is based upon rank.

Who has the higher rank? Defer to customers and clients – prospects, too – because they’re the people who keep you in business. Visitors require respect because, until you are introduced to them, you don’t know who they are in relation to yourself and your organization. Superiors within your company deserve special regard because they outrank you. Many American businesses operate as flat organizations with no traditional hierarchy, but there are still employees with titles and positions above you that call for special honors.

One of the biggest blunders people make in the workplace is assuming they are on a first name basis with everyone else. Do not make this mistake! Until you have an established business relationship with someone or have been invited to do otherwise, address others using an honorific (“Mr.”, “Ms”, “Dr.”, etc.) with their last name. This holds true even if they call you by your first name. Using honorifics and last names displays great class and sophistication. Exception: If you can quickly surmise that you are about the same age and rank as the other person, you may call them by their first name.

Here are some additional tips for showing respect in the workplace:

STANDING

When anyone of a higher rank (superior, customer, visitor) enters an office or meeting room, the people present in the room should stand, regardless of gender. The exception to this rule is when that higher-ranking person frequents that space on a regular basis.
Be sure to stand whenever you are introduced to someone.
SEATING

Do not take a seat in an office or meeting room until the senior employees or key players have themselves taken a seat. Wait to be motioned to a seat or simply fill in the seats around them.
GREETING

Do not keep customers or visitors waiting. Greet them yourself in the reception area or arrange to have them escorted to you. When they leave, escort them out personally.
When you are handed a business card, take the time to look it over carefully. Do not immediately stuff it away in a pocket or bag. Ask questions about it, comment on the logo or advertising slogan, or verify the web site or email address. Asking questions about the information on their card can be the starting point for insightful small talk.
When a customer flies in from another city, consider meeting them at the airport and driving them to the office yourself. This is common practice in many other countries; Americans would be wise to adopt this practice. It makes a great first impression.
Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved



ORDERING WINE

By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP
Bremer Communications

Have you ever felt intimated when ordering wine in a restaurant? Do you feel unsure of how to handle the presentation of the bottle and the tasting that follows? Dining out should be a relaxing occasion, not one that causes anxiety. Here are some tips that will help you feel more confident when ordering wine.

SELECTING WINE

Option 1 - Ask your server or the sommelier for their advice. In upscale restaurants, servers should be fairly knowledgeable about the wines they offer and how they complement various dishes. Tell him or her your preferences, what you’re planning to eat, and how much you want to spend. Sommeliers, the restaurant’s staff wine expert, will be happy to select a wine for you. Let them know your preferences and, to silently communicate your price limit, point to an appropriately priced wine on the list and say, “Something like this.”

Option 2 – If you have a wine lover in your group, let them make the choice.

Option 3 – Forget the wine list. Order 1-2 bottles of the house white and/or red. This can be a good choice for almost every occasion. Restaurants choose those wines to match its food.

Option 4 – Order wines by the glass. This is a good way to try several different wines with a meal and accommodate the varying preferences of the group.

PRESENTATION OF THE BOTTLE

The ritual begins when the unopened bottle of wine is brought to your table and shown to you. This is so you can check that the wine they have brought is the one you ordered. Look at the label and confirm it is the bottle - and vintage - you ordered. Simply nod to the server to show that you approve.

INSPECTION OF THE CORK

The server will remove the cork and place it in front of you to inspect. Don’t sniff the cork; just look at it, then nod. The cork should be neither wet all the way through nor dry. Either condition indicates that the wine was stored improperly. Corks should be moist.

Presenting the cork is a tradition that began in the days before bottles were labeled. Wineries began branding their corks to identify their wines so that devious restaurateurs couldn’t pass off ordinary wine to their unsuspecting diners. Servers began presenting the cork to verify the wine’s origination.

TASTING THE WINE

A small amount of wine will be poured into your glass. This amount is intended to be sniffed and tasted. You are to determine if the wine has gone bad, not if you like it or not. It is only appropriate to reject wine when it has turned, not because you don’t like it.

Look at the color; the wine should be clear and lights should sparkle in it. With the glass resting on the table, rotate the glass gently so the wine swirls around. This will release the bouquet. Raise the glass and smell it. If it smells good, you can accept it at this point, as the sense of smell is more acute than taste. If you choose to taste it as well, do that as the last step. If the wine meets with your approval, nod and the server will pour for everyone else.

Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP, owner of Bremer Communications, offers training, consulting and coaching in professional image development and presentation skills. Her clients include Oracle, Abbott Labs, W.W. Grainger, U.S. Department of Energy and the National Association of Realtors. She can be reached at 708-848-5945 or at www.bremercommunications.com

Copyright © 2004 Bremer Communications All Rights Reserved


INVITATIONS AND RSVPs
By Jill Bremer, AICI, CIP
Bremer Communications

www.bremercommunications.com




It’s holiday time again and with it comes many festive social and business-related parties and events. To put your best foot forward, it’s important to know how to both extend and respond to an invitation. There are etiquette guidelines for each role, so whether you’re the host or guest, read on to learn about your responsibilities.



Issuing an Invitation
Invitations may be extended via mail, telephone, or email. The world in which we live is certainly becoming more casual, and you may be tempted to simply pick up the phone or send a quick email to invite your guests, but I urge you to consider sending printed or handwritten invitations whenever possible. Receiving an invitation in the mail makes the recipient feel special and honored to have been invited. These invitations also allow you to set the mood, build anticipation, and express your personality. They can be the perfect “kick off” to your event.



For a formal event, such as a formal dinner, reception, or wedding, choose white or ecru cards or double-fold paper for the invitations. Engraving has become prohibitively expensive these days; a combination of quality paper and a good printer is all you need.



For events that are less formal, such as an open house or casual dinner, you can use fill-in cards from the stationary store or handwritten notes. Email invitations are also becoming acceptable. A number of creative e-vite designs are available and a better choice than simply jotting a few words within the body of an email. If the event is very casual, such as a get-together with friends, a phone call will suffice.



Whether formal or informal, envelopes should always be addressed by hand. Never use computer-generated address labels. Another no-no – using a postage meter. Better to select a beautiful or intriguing commemorative stamp from the post office.



For large, formal events, mail the invitations 4-6 weeks ahead of time. For cocktail parties or casual events - 3 weeks ahead.



Decoding an Invitation
When you open an invitation, take a look at how the envelope is addressed. With a formal wedding invitation, you’ll want to look at the inner envelope. Whatever names are listed on the envelope – and only those names - are the invitees. If the hosts want you to bring a guest, your envelope will indicate that. It puts the hosts in a very awkward position if you show up with an unplanned guest or call them ahead of time to ask if it’s okay to bring someone along. Don’t do it!



Special instructions will be in the lower corners of the invitation, such as “Valet Parking,” “In case of rain…,” “No gifts,” etc. If no reply card is enclosed, you will find instructions in the lower left hand corner explaining how to RSVP. The lower right hand corner usually offers information about clothing requirements (“Black tie” “Business dress”). If you’re unsure as to what to wear, it’s fine to call the host, hostess, or secretary for insight. You can also ask others who have attended the function in the past or read



Responding to an Invitation
Every invitation you receive requires a response. The exception to this rule is the invitation that asks you to pay money to attend, such as a benefit or auction. Every other invitation should receive a response from you within seven days.



Many formal invitations, including most wedding invitations, now include a reply card for your response. Send it back promptly, again within one week’s time. For the record, it wasn’t that long ago that enclosing a reply card was considered in poor taste. However, as most people have become remiss in their manners, it has now become necessary and quite acceptable to include this built-in “nudge.”



If no reply card is enclosed, RSVP instructions will be included in the lower left-hand corner. If there is a phone number, you may call to accept or regret. If only an address has been offered, you must write your response. Passing the host or hostess on the street or in the hallway and telling them, “I can be there,” doesn’t count. You must still respond according to the instructions on the invitation.



To respond in writing to a formal invitation, there are guidelines to follow. It should be handwritten using black ink and centered on white or ecru paper. It should also be written in the third person, just like the invitation:

Mr. and Mrs. Walter Johnson
accept with pleasure

Mrs. Allen’s

kind invitation for

Sunday, the second of June



or



Mr. And Mrs. Walter Johnson
sincerely regret that

due to their absence from the country

they are unable to accept

Mrs. Allen’s

kind invitation for

Sunday, the second of June



Notice that with the regret, an explanation is given for their absence.



To respond to an informal invitation that was issued in writing, email or via phone, you may respond in the same manner in which it was issued. However, if you must regret, the best choice is always to write a personal note or call, explaining why you’re unable to attend.



© 2007 Bremer Communications

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Social graces
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Social graces are skills used to interact politely in social situations. They include manners, etiquette (the specific accepted rules within a culture for the application of universal manners), deportment and fashion. These skills were once taught to young women at a finishing school or charm school. The focus of social graces has changed over the last century, recently with an emphasis on business etiquette and international protocol.
disambiguation).
In sociology, manners are the unenforced standards of conduct which show the actor that you are proper, polite, and refined. They are like laws in that they codify or set a standard for human behavior, but they are unlike laws in that there is no formal system for punishing transgressions, other than social disapproval. They are a kind of norm. What is considered "mannerly" is highly susceptible to change with time, geographical location, social stratum, occasion, and other factors. That manners matter is evidenced by the fact that large books have been written on the subject, advice columns frequently deal with questions of mannerly behavior, and that schools have existed for the sole purpose of teaching manners. A lady is a term frequently used for a woman who follows proper manners; the term gentleman is used as a male counterpart; though these terms are also often used for members of a particular social class.
Table manners refers to the etiquette used while eating, which may also include the appropriate use of utensils. Different cultures observe different rules for table manners. Many table manners evolved out of practicality. For example, it is generally impolite to put elbows on tables, since doing so creates a risk of tipping over bowls and cups. Each family or group sets its own standards for how strictly these rules are to be enforced.

Contents [hide]
1 Africa
1.1 Tanzanian table manners
2 Asia and Oceania
2.1 Afghan table manners
2.2 Chinese table manners
2.2.1 Chopstick usage
2.2.1.1 Communal chopsticks
2.2.1.2 Other utensils
2.2.2 Eating from common dishes
2.2.3 Seniority and guests at the table
2.2.4 Drinks
2.2.5 Smoking
2.2.6 Business meals
2.2.7 Miscellaneous
2.3 Indian table manners
2.4 Japanese table manners
2.4.1 Sushi (esp. in a restaurant)
2.5 Malay table manners
2.6 Pakistani table manners
2.7 Filipino table manners
3 Central and South America
3.1 Brazilian table manners
3.2 Peruvian table manners
4 Europe
4.1 French/Swiss table manners
4.2 Russian table manners
4.3 British table manners
5 North America
5.1 American table manners
5.1.1 Table Setting
5.1.2 Before Dining
5.1.3 General Manners while Dining
5.1.3.1 Using Utensils
5.1.4 At the end of the meal
6 See also
7 References
8 External links





[edit] Africa
In many African countries, eating is done without cutlery, with the right hand, from a communal dish (or dishes). Muslims often say grace (bismillah) before dining.

[edit] Tanzanian table manners
It is rude to show up early at dinner; try to be 15–30 minutes later than expected.
It is considered pretentious to use forks or knives to eat Chapati or Ugali.
If eating on a mat or carpet, do not expose the sole of your foot, it is considered very rude.
Topics like sex, religion or politics should be avoided in conversation; Tanzanian meals are meant to be enjoyed not a venue for debate.
The eldest male person is served first; the host is the last to start eating. In weddings and other larger events, children are served first.
Children may eat with the adults if instructed to do so.
Many Tanzanian table manners are similar to British table manners.
It is considered rude to talk or laugh with food in your mouth.
It is very impolite to bend over and smell or try to smell the food on your plate.
Let the host know how good the meal is, but don't exaggerate; it might be taken the wrong way.
Avoid touching your face, nose, ears and hair while eating.
It is rude to drink beer straight from the bottle; you are expected to pour it into a glass.
In some regions like Zanzibar, some dinner tables are gender-segregated.
[edit] Asia and Oceania
[edit] Afghan table manners

The breaking of bread, a common mealtime foodGuests are always seated farthest from the door; when there are no guests the grandparents are seated farthest away from the door.
Depending on the customs of the household, a prayer may be offered before and/or after the meal.
Guests are offered food first and expected to eat the most, while the hosts begin to eat last and the least.
Guests should refrain from eating too much, unless the hosts coaxes them to eat more, which he/she almost always will. A host who coaxes his/her guests is considered a good, gracious host. The host should always ask at least three times if the guest wants more food, and the guest should refuse at least three times.
Guests are always given the best portions of the food. Refusing to eat however is considered bad manners, and guests should eat. Likewise, failure to offer food or to be attentive is considered bad manners for a host.
Traditionally food is eaten with bare hands. However, cutlery is sometimes provided, depending on the private culture of the host. Only the right hand should be used when eating with your hands. There are proper ways of picking up rice and other loose food without spilling any, which one should learn and practice. Wasting food is frowned upon. When cutlery is provided it is usually a spoon and fork, since there is seldom need for the use of a knife when eating Afghani food. Even when cutlery is provided it is acceptable to eat with your hands as well.
Soup may be eaten by soaking bread in it.
Food remnants should be collected with slices of bread.
Sometimes it is common to eat collectively from one large plate. One should always eat from one's own side.
If bread is dropped on the floor while eating at a table, the bread should be picked up, kissed, and put to one's forehead before putting the bread back somewhere other than the floor. If eating on the floor, make sure that your feet do not touch the food.
Compliments to the chef are customary; however, compliments should be acknowledged with extreme modesty.
Traditionally, service during dinner is performed by the oldest. First, water is brought in a jug with a very large saucer to wash the hands. The jug and saucer usually are made of some sort of metal. The food is then served. This may be followed by fruit and then tea.
Tea is served after dinner, with dried fruits, sweets, and sugar cubes. When tea is served, the cup of a guest must never be empty, and snacks must be offered. The guest should never be asked if he or she wants tea. The host should simply serve the tea. A guest never serves him or herself tea, nor performs a refill. The host must be attentive and refill tea cups until the guest is satiated. Afghans drink a great amount of tea and having 2-3 cups of tea at a sitting is common. Once the guest has finished drinking tea, the guest can flip their tea cup over to signal that they are done.
Eating or talking with one's mouth full is frowned upon.
Even if one is extremely hungry, one should refrain from being over zealous at the table.
One must never sit with one's back to anyone, especially an elder or a guest. One must never sit with feet stretched out toward anyone, especially an elder or a guest.
After eating, the jug of water is brought out again to wash hands. A towel may be provided.
[edit] Chinese table manners
Generally, Chinese table manners are more informal than the West, although there are more rules concerning interactions with other guests due to high levels of social interaction as a result of the communal style of serving.

[edit] Chopstick usage
It has been suggested that this article or section be merged into Eating utensil etiquette. (Discuss)

Chopsticks should always be held correctly, i.e. between the thumb and first two fingers of the right hand.
When not in use, chopsticks must always be placed neatly on the table with two sticks lying tidily next to each other at both ends. Failure to do so is evocative of the way the dead would be placed in a coffin before the funeral and is a major faux pas.
Chopsticks are traditionally held in the right hand only, even for the left-handed. Although chopsticks may now be found in either hand, a few still consider left-handed chopstick use improper etiquette. One explanation for the treatment of such usage as improper is that within the confines of a round table this may be inconvenient.
Never point the chopsticks at another person. This amounts to insulting that person and is a major faux pas.
Never wave your chopsticks around as if they were an extension of your hand gestures.
Never bang chopsticks like drumsticks. This is akin to telling others at the table you are a beggar.
Never use chopsticks to move bowls or plates.
Never suck the chopsticks.
Decide what to pick up before reaching with chopsticks, instead of hovering them over or rummaging through dishes.
To keep chopsticks off the table, they can be rested horizontally on one's plate or bowl; a chopstick rest(commonly found in restaurants) can also be used.
When picking up a piece of food, never use the tips of your chopsticks to poke through the food as with a fork; exceptions include tearing apart larger items such as vegetables. In more informal settings, smaller items or those more difficult to pick up such as cherry tomatoes or fishballs may be stabbed, but this is frowned upon by traditionalists.
Never stab chopsticks vertically into a bowl of rice, as this resembles incense sticks used at temples to pay respects to the deceased. This is considered the ultimate dinner table faux pas.
[edit] Communal chopsticks
When there are communal chopsticks, it is considered impolite to use your own chopsticks to pick up the food from the shared plate, or to eat using the communal chopsticks.
It is considered impolite to use the blunt end of one's own chopsticks to transfer food from a common dish to one's own plate or bowl; use the communal chopsticks instead.
When communal chopsticks are not provided, it is considered polite (and sanitary) to use the blunt end of one's own chopsticks to serve a guest by transferring food from the common dish to a guest's plate or bowl.
An exception to the above can usually be made in intimate settings such as at home.
[edit] Other utensils
If noodle soup is served, many consider a more elegant way to eat by picking the noodle into a serving spoon first, and eating from the spoon, rather than slurping directly from the bowl into the mouth using chopsticks.
Chinese traditionally eat rice from a small bowl held in the left hand. The rice bowl is raised to the mouth and the rice pushed into the mouth using the chopsticks. Some Chinese find it offensive to scoop rice from the bowl using a spoon. If rice is served on a plate, as is more common in the West, it is acceptable and more practical to eat it with a fork or spoon. The thumb must always be above the edge of the bowl.
[edit] Eating from common dishes
Pick the food on the dish that is at the top and nearest to you in distance. Never rummage through the dish or pick from the far side for your favorite food.
In general, more conservative Chinese frown upon the practice of picking more than one or two bites of food in your bowl or serving plate as if you were eating in the Western way. Most Chinese would understand the practice during infectious disease epidemics, or if the person is from the West.
If both a serving bowl - separate from rice bowl - and plate are provided, never put any food items to be eaten onto the serving plate. This rule may be relaxed for foreigners.
If a dish is soupy, pull the serving bowl near the serving dish and reduce the distance the chopsticks need carrying the food. Spilling plenty of sauce on the table is a major faux pas.
After you have picked up a food item, do not put it back in the dish.
[edit] Seniority and guests at the table
The elderly or guest(s) of honour are usually the first to start the meal.
The youngest or least senior may serve the eldest or most senior first, as part of the Confucian value of respecting seniors.
The youngest on the table addresses all of the elder members at the table before starting, perhaps telling them to please "eat rice" as a signal to help themselves.
The best food in a dish should be left to the elderly, children, or the guest of honour, even if they are one's favourite.
The eldest person present, or the guest of honour, is given a seat facing the door.
When the hostess says her food is not good enough, the guest must disagree and tell her it is one of the finest foods they have ever tasted.
[edit] Drinks
The host should always make sure everyone's cups are not empty for long. One should not pour for oneself, but if thirsty should first offer to pour for a neighbor. When your drink is being poured, you should say "thank you", and/or tap your index and middle finger on the table to show appreciation, especially when you are in Southern China, e.g. Guangdong Province. This action is evocative of bowing your head.
When people wish to clink drinks together in the form of a cheer, it is important to observe that younger members should clink the rim of their glass below the rim of an elder's to show respect.
Strong alcohol, called baijiu [pronounced "by joe"], is often served throughout the meal; and it is customary for the host[s]/hostess[es] to insist that guests drink to "show friendship." If the guests prefers not to drink, they may say, "I'm unable to drink, but thank you." [in Mandarin: "Wo bu neng he jiu, xie xie." {whoa boo nung huh joe}] The host may continue to insist that the guests drink, and the guests may likewise continue to insist upon being "unable" to drink. The host's insistance is to show generosity. Therefore, refusal by the guests should be made with utmost politeness. Beware: If a guest drinks alcohol with a subordinate at the table, the guest will be expected [if not forced] to drink a glass of the same alcohol with each superior at that table, and possibly at other tables too—if the guest has not passed out yet.
[edit] Smoking
Smoking is customary when dining, and the host will often pass out cigarettes to all [men] around the table. If the guest prefers not to smoke, she/he should politely refuse (in Mandarin, one would say, "Wo bu chou yen, xie xie").
[edit] Business meals
During business meals, it is best not to eat to the point of satiation, as business and not food is the actual main purpose of the gathering.
[edit] Miscellaneous
Some people sit at least 1 metre (3 chi) from the dining table so they will not be literally rubbing elbow with other guests.
When eating food that contains bones, it is customary that the bones be spat out onto the table to the right of the dining plate in a neat pile. Spitting onto the floor is almost never acceptable.
Belching, smacking, and sipping is allowed
Talking with a full mouth, eating with the elbows on the table and tasting from a table guest's plate is also allowed [1]
[edit] Indian table manners
Main article: Etiquette of Indian dining
Food is generally expected to be eaten with the right hand. It is fine to use left hand to pass the dishes.
It is acceptable, and many times, even expected, not to use cutlery for eating, as many foods - such as Indian breads and curry - are commonly eaten in this manner.
Wash hands thoroughly before sitting at the table as some Indian foods are primarily eaten by hand. Also, wash hands after eating the food. Usually, a finger bowl (with luke warm water and lemon) is served to each person for rinsing fingers.
In North India, when eating curry, the sauce must not be allowed to stain the fingers - only the fingertips are used.
When flat breads such as chapati, roti, or naan are served with the meal, it is acceptable and expected to use pieces of them to gather food and sop-up sauces and curries.
In South India, it is acceptable to use the hand up to the second segment of the fingers (middle phalanx till the interphalangeal joint) and the first segment of the thumb (distal phalanx) to pick up food. In South Indian culture, the four fingers are used only to pick up or spoon the food. The thumb is the digit used to push the meal into the mouth. It is considered rude if all five digits are used to place food into the mouth.
It is considered inappropriate to use your fingers to share food from someone else's plate once you have started using your own. Instead, ask for a clean spoon to transfer the food from the common dish to your plate.
It is not necessary to taste each and every dish prepared, but you must finish everything on your plate as it is considered respectful. For that reason, put only as much food on your plate as you can eat.
As most of the Indian delicacies are eaten with the hands, it is necessary to make sure that one's drinking glass should not become messy.
Do not leave the table until others have finished or the host requests you. If you must, ask permission from the host before leaving.
South Indian meals are served on a banana leaf that has been cleaned with warm water. Vegetables are placed on the top half of the leaf, and rice, sweets, and snacks on the other half.
The banana leaf should not be left open after finishing the meal. It should be folded in such a way that the top half closes over the bottom half. If the bottom half is folded over the top, it is usually considered disrespectful, as this is done only in solemn situations one hopes will not occur again, such as a death.
[edit] Japanese table manners
Never place chopsticks stuck vertically into a bowl of food, as this is the traditional presentation form for an offering to one's ancestors.
One should wait for the host or hostess to tell you to eat three times before eating.
Accepted practice in helping oneself to a communal dish such as a salad, is to reverse the chopsticks. However this is regarded in an all male, or casual situation, as too formal and additionally, a female habit.
Women should cup their other hand beneath their serving when using chopsticks when conveying food from dish/bowl to mouth. Men should not do this.
In communal dining or drinking, the youngest person present should pour alcohol for the other members of the party, serving the most senior person first. The server should not pour their own drink, rather they should place the bottle of sake, beer, wine or spirits, back on the table or bar, and wait to be served by a senior.
One should always clean one's hands before dining with the hot steamed towel provided.
Japanese soup is eaten holding the bowl to one's mouth, never with a spoon. The exceptions to this are o-zoni, the traditional soup served on New Year's Day; soups with noodles are served in larger bowls, such as ramen, are acceptable to eat using chopsticks, although the soup itself is still consumed from bowl to mouth.
If something might drip onto the table while being transferred in the chopsticks, use the bowl of rice in your other hand to catch the liquid. It is important to not allow this liquid to remain, and so the discolored portion of the rice must be eaten. Rice (in a bowl) should remain white if it was served as such.
It is usually polite to finish all sections of a meal served at around the same time. It is suggested that one should take a bite from one container, and then take a bite of rice. One should then take a bite from another container, have another bite of rice, and so forth.
It is perfectly acceptable, and rather encouraged to make a slurping noise when eating hot noodles such as udon, ramen or soba. This is standard behavior in Japan, and Japanese maintain that inhaling air when eating hot noodles improves the flavor.
When taking a break from eating during a meal, one should place one's chopsticks on the chopstick rest (hashi-oki) provided. A hashi-oki is usually a ceramic rectangle about four centimeters long, or in some restaurants, a halved wine cork is provided.
Unlike Korean table manners, it is acceptable to cradle one's rice bowl in one hand when eating. Japanese rice bowls have a thicker bottom and are made with heat insulating materials while Korean rice bowls are made with heat conductive metals.
One should not gesture using chopsticks.
Never pass food from one pair of chopsticks to another. This technique is used only in Japanese Buddhist funerary rites when transferring cremated bones into an urn.
When pouring wine or beer, the hand holding the bottle should pour forward, not backward (over the back of the hand) which is considered an insult.
In traditional restaurants, one needs to sit in seiza, on less formal occasions sitting is also done in tailors style (Indian style) or with 2 legs together on 1 side (females-only)
There is no tipping in Japanese restaurants.
[edit] Sushi (esp. in a restaurant)
It is acceptable to eat sushi with one's fingers, rather than chopsticks, if the dining situation is relatively casual (this also applies to dining out at a kaitenzushi restaurant).
When possible, sushi pieces and sections of cut rolls should be eaten in a single bite, or held in the hand until finished; setting half a piece back down on the plate is considered rude.
Nigiri sushi (fish on rice) and maki (rolls) may be eaten with the hands; sashimi (pieces of raw fish) should be eaten with chopsticks.
[edit] Malay table manners
As a guest, if you feel that you cannot consume more food, it is courteous to turn it down by eating a small morsel or by graciously declining it altogether.
Remember that the right hand is always used for eating the traditional Malay way - Never the left hand because it is considered unclean.
Have the oldest person served first (disregard whether it is a male or female).
Always cover your mouth when toothpicking.
Always turn your head away from the table if you are sneezing or coughing.
For functions that require guests to sit down on the floor, men should sit crossed-legged and not stretch them
Pointing your feet at others is impolite - point your feet away from them.
You must leave some drinking beverage in the glass or cup after you finish drinking.
Never leave your plate dry after eating.
Don't hit or knock on an empty plate as it is considered rude.
Do not put back dishes to its original place when you have taken it to your plate.
Do not talk when your mouth is full as it is considered rude.
[edit] Pakistani table manners
See also : Etiquette of Pakistani dining and Etiquette in Pakistan

Pakistani table manners are a mixture of Islamic teachings, south Asian tradition and British influence:

Before you start eating, Recite "Bismillah Ar-Rahman al-Rahim" (In the name of Allah Who is most beneficial & merciful).
Wash hands thoroughly before sitting and compliment the host.
When using a knife and fork, eat Continental style, holding the fork in your left hand.
Do not start eating until the eldest in the family is at the table
Dastarkhwan (A long piece of cloth used for food) as Bread (Chapati) is primarily eaten by hand.
Try to eat bread (Chapati) with the right hand.
Don't look into others' saucers while eating.
Do not chew loud enough for others to hear.
Chew with your mouth closed.
Eat everything on the plate; leaving some food is considered wasteful.
Eating additional servings is considered polite.
If eating food with bread, first tear it into pieces.
Always say "Al-Hamdu-lillah" (thanks be to God) after eating.
[edit] Filipino table manners
Wait to be asked before moving into the dining room or helping yourself to food.
Wait to be told where to sit. There may be a seating plan.
The head of the household, usually the father, or the guest of honor is usually seated at the head of the table.
It is polite to wait for the host to invite you to start eating before doing so.
When one is offered by the host to try some food, refusing to consume the food offered is considered highly offensive.
Meals are often served family-style or buffet-style where you serve yourself.
A fork and spoon are the typical eating utensils. The fork is held in the left hand and is used it to guide food, especially rice, to the spoon held in the right hand. The fork, if no knife is available, may be used to slice foods, although some frown upon this.
Eating with your hands in casual settings is acceptable and more common than not.
Normally the head of the family recite a prayer before passing around food to be served.
Always use serving spoon.
[edit] Central and South America
[edit] Brazilian table manners
In Brazil, the host asks guests to help themselves. One should not pick up too much so that the plate can be completely finished. If food is left on the plate, it gives a bad impression. Hands are washed every time before going to table. Swipe your mouth when you had a drink and never drink from the bottle. Cutlery is always used, even for pizza.

[edit] Peruvian table manners
Table manners follow most of the European standards, although there are some implications with regard to typical dishes or local traditions.

Leftover Ceviche lemon juice can be poured into a glass following consumption of the fish pieces. This accepted practice is called the "drinking of the tiger's milk".
Don't stretch after a meal
[edit] Europe
[edit] French/Swiss table manners
Remember to always say please and thank you
French bread is always torn off rather than cut. Do not dip it into soup or sauce.
Do not place your elbows on the table
Use a napkin every time you drink something
Finish everything on your plate before taking more.
Do not put ice in your wine. At restaurants, wine should be served at the optimal temperature.
After you have finished eating, place the cutlery parallel, vertically at the centre of your plate so the waiter will know to take away your plate. While you are still eating your meal, place the cutlery to the sides of your plate at 4:00 and 8:00, opposite sides of the plate, signifying to the waiter that you wish to keep your plate.
Lift your forearm from the table while moving the fork to your mouth.
In Switzerland you are expected to appear on time if invited to a dinner party.
When toasting in Switzerland, hold up your glass and look each person in the eyes before drinking.
If you are served cheese as a wheel, it should be cut from the centre into slices (as you would slice a pie).
[edit] Russian table manners
It is polite to leave a little food at the end of the meal to show the host that the hospitality was plentiful and appreciated. In addition, the host will often urge the guests to second helpings of food.
It is improper to look into another's plate or saucer.
Remember to say "That was good" to the one who made the dish upon leaving the table.
Small food should not be cut.
No elbows on the table.
No unpleasant noises.
In general, one should not be stuffy or overly ceremonial. Especially if the meal is in someone's home, conviviality and relaxation outrank propriety. A guest is expected to contribute to the fun of the party.
Do not talk with food in your mouth.
[edit] British table manners
The fork is held in your left hand and the knife is held in your right when used at the same time.
You should hold your knife with the handle in your palm and your fork in the other hand with the tines (prongs) pointing downwards.
Food should be cut "one piece at a time" directly prior to eating, and then consumed. You may not "carve up" multiple pieces and then proceed to eat them.
If you’re eating a dessert, your fork (if you have one) should be held in the left hand and the spoon in the right.
When eating soup, you should hold your spoon in your right hand and tip the bowl away from you, scooping the soup in movements away from yourself. The soup spoon should never be put into the mouth, and soup should be sipped from the side of the spoon, not the end.
It is not acceptable to use your fingers to push food onto your fork, nor to handle most food items. Some foods such as fruit, bread, sandwiches or burgers may be eaten using fingers, and fingers are mandatory for eating some items, such as asparagus spears, which are traditionally served with sauce on the side for dipping.
If there are a number of knives or forks, start from the outside set working your way in as each course is served.
Drinks should always be to the right of the plate with the bread plate to the left.
When eating bread rolls, break off a piece before buttering. Use your knife only to butter the bread, not to cut it.
Do not start eating before the host does or instructs guests to do so. At meals with a very large number of people, it is acceptable to start eating once others have been served.
When finished, place the knife and fork together at six o’clock with your fork on the left (tines facing up) and knife on the right, with the knife blade facing in. This signals that one has finished.
The napkin should never be crumpled. Nor should it be folded neatly as that would suggest that your host might plan to use it again without washing it—just leave it neatly but loosely on the table.
Never blow your nose on your napkin. Place it on your lap and use it to dab your mouth if you make a mess.
It is considered rude to answer the telephone at the table. If you need to take an urgent call, excuse yourself and go outside.
Always ask for permission from the host and excuse yourself if you need to leave the table. You should place your napkin on your seat until you return. It is considered common courtesy for all gentlemen at the table to stand when a lady arrives or leaves the table.
If you must leave the table or are resting, your fork should be at eight o’clock tines (prongs) pointing downwards and your knife at four o’clock (with the blade inwards). Once an item of cutlery has been used, it should not touch the table again.
Food should be brought to your mouth on the back of the fork.
Dishes should be served from the left, and taken away from the right. Unless the food is placed on your plate at the table, then it should arrive from the left.
Drinks should be served from the right.
Never lean across somebody else’s plate. If you need something to be passed, ask the person closest to it. If you have to pass something, only pass it if you are closest to it and pass it directly to them if you can.
Salt and pepper shakers should be passed together.
Do not take food from a neighbour’s plate and don’t ask to do so.
You must not put your elbows on the table.
If pouring a drink for yourself, offer to pour a drink for your neighbours before serving yourself.
If extra food is on the table, ask others if they would like it before taking it yourself.
When chewing food, close your mouth and only talk after you have swallowed it.
Swallow all food before eating more or drinking.
Do not slurp your food or eat loudly.
Never pick food out of your teeth with your fingernails.
Try to eat all the food you are served.
Wine glasses should be held by the stem in the case of white wines, and by cupping the bowl in the case of red wines[2]
If port is served after the meal, then the decanter should be passed to the person on your left and never passed to the right.
Never transfer food to your mouth with your knife.
[edit] North America
[edit] American table manners
See also, Etiquette in North America

[edit] Table Setting

Common American table setting. Note the alignment of the bottom of the flatware.Bread or salad plates are to the left of the main plate, beverage glasses are to the right. If small bread knives are present, lay them across the bread plate with the handle pointing to the right.
A table cloth extending 10 to 15 inches past the edge of the table should be used for formal dinners, while placemats may be used for breakfast, luncheon, and informal suppers.[3]
Modern etiquette provides the smallest numbers and types of utensils necessary for dining. Only utensils which are to be used for the planned meal should be set. Even if needed, hosts should not have more than three utensils on either side of the plate before a meal. If extra utensils are needed, they may be brought to the table along with later courses. [4]
If a salad course is served early in the meal, the salad fork should be further from the main course fork, both set on the left. If a soup is served, the spoon is set on the right, further from the plate than the knife. Dessert utensils, a small (such as salad) fork and teaspoon should be placed above the main plate horizontally (bowl of spoon facing left, the fork below with tines facing right), or more formally brought with the dessert. For convenience, restaurants and banquet halls may not adhere to these rules, instead setting a uniform complement of utensils at each seat.
If a wine glass and a water glass are set, the wine glass is on the right directly above the knife. The water glass is to the left of the wine glass at a 45 degree angle, closer to the diner.
Glasses designed for certain types of wine may be set if available. If only one type of glass is available, it is considered correct regardless of the type of wine provided.
Hosts should always provide cloth napkins to guests. When paper napkins are provided, they should be treated the same as cloth napkins, and therefore should not be balled up or torn. Napkin rings are only used for napkins which will be used repeatedly by members of the household, and therefore should never be used with a guest's napkin as they only receive freshly laundered ones. Napkins may be set on the plate, or to the left of the forks.
Coffee or tea cups are placed to the right of the table setting, or above the setting to the right if space is limited. The cup's handle should be pointing right.
Candlesticks, even if not lit, should not be on the table while dining during daylight hours. [5]
[edit] Before Dining
Mens' and unisex hats should never be worn at the table. Ladies' hats may be worn during the day if visiting others.[6]
Before sitting down to a formal meal, gentlemen stand behind their chairs until the women are seated.
A prayer or 'blessing' may be customary in some households, and the guests may join in or be respectfully silent. Most prayers are made by the host before the meal is eaten. Hosts should not practice an extended religious ritual in front of invited guests who have different beliefs.
A toast may be offered instead of or in addition to a blessing.
One does not start eating until (a) every person is served or (b) those who have not been served request that you begin without waiting. At more formal occasions all diners should be served at the same time and will wait until the hostess or host lifts a fork or spoon before beginning.
Napkins are placed in the lap. At more formal occasions diners will wait to place their napkins on their laps until the host places his or her napkin on his or her lap.
One waits until the host has picked up his or her fork or spoon before starting to eat.
When eating very messy foods, such as barbecued ribs or crab, in an informal setting, where it must be eaten with the fingers and could cause flying food particles, a 'bib' or napkin tucked into the collar may be used by adults. Wet wipes or ample paper napkins should be provided to clean the hands. In formal settings, bibs or napkins used as such are improper, and food should be prepared by the chef so that it may be eaten properly with the provided utensils.
Even if one has dietary restrictions, it is inappropriate for non-relatives to request food other than that which is being served by the host at a private function.
[edit] General Manners while Dining
When a dish is offered from a serving dish (a.k.a. family style), as is the traditional manner, the food may be passed around or served by a host or staff. If passed, you should pass on the serving dish to the next person in the same direction as the other dishes are being passed. Place the serving dish on your left, take some, and pass to the person next to you. You should consider how much is on the serving dish and not take more than a proportional amount so that everyone may have some. If you do not care for any of the dish, pass it to the next person without comment. If being served by a single person, the server should request if the guest would like any of the dish. The guest may say "Yes, please," or "No, thank you."
When serving, serve from the left and pick-up the dish from the right. Beverages, however, are to be both served as well as removed from the right-hand side.
Dip your soup spoon away from you into the soup. Eat soup noiselessly, from the side of the spoon. When there is a small amount left, you may lift the front end of the dish slightly with your free hand to enable collection of more soup with your spoon.
If you are having difficulty getting food onto your fork, use a small piece of bread or your knife to assist. Never use your fingers or thumb.
You may thank or converse with the staff, but it is not necessary, especially if engaged in conversation with others.
It is acceptable in the United States not to accept all offerings, and to not finish all the food on your plate. No one should ask why another doesn't want any of a dish or why he has not finished a serving.
There should be no negative comments about the food nor of the offerings available.
Chew with your mouth closed. Do not slurp, talk with food in your mouth, or make loud or unusual noises while eating.
Say "Excuse me," or "Excuse me. I'll be right back," before leaving the table. Do not state that you are going to the restroom.
Do not talk excessively loudly. Give others equal opportunities for conversation.
Refrain from blowing your nose at the table. Excuse yourself from the table if you must do so.
Burping, coughing, yawning, or sneezing at the table should be avoided. If you do so, say, "Excuse me."
Never slouch or tilt back while seated in your chair.
Do not "play with" your food or utensils. Never wave or point silverware.
You may rest forearms or hands on the table, but not elbows.
Do not stare at others.
Do not talk on your phone or "text" at the table, or otherwise do something distracting, such as read or listen to a personal music player. Reading at the table is permitted only at breakfast.[7] If an urgent matter arises, apologize, excuse yourself, and step away from the table so your conversation does not disturb the others.
If food must be removed from the mouth for some reason, it should be done using the same method which was used to bring the food to the mouth, i.e. by hand, by fork, etc., with the exception of fish bones, which are removed from the mouth between the fingers. [8]
Before asking for additional helpings, always finish the serving on your plate first.
Gentlemen should stand when a lady leaves or rejoins the table in formal social settings.
[edit] Using Utensils
The fork is used to convey solid food to the mouth. Do not use your fingers unless eating foods customarily eaten as such, such as bread, asparagus spears, chicken wings, pizza, etc.
Do not make unnecessary noises with utensils.
The fork may be used either in the "American" style (use the fork in your left hand while cutting; switch to right hand to pick up and eat a piece) or the European "Continental" style (fork always in left hand). (See Fork etiquette)
Unless a knife stand is provided, the knife should be placed on the edge of your plate when not in use and should face inward.
When you have finished eating soup from a bowl or larger "soup plate," the spoon should be placed on the flat plate beneath, if one is present.
As courses are served, use your silverware from the outside moving inward toward the main plate. Dessert utensils are either above the main plate or served with dessert.
[edit] At the end of the meal
When you have finished your meal, place all used utensils onto your plate together, on the right side, pointed up, so the waiter knows you have finished. Do not place used utensils on the table.
Except in a public restaurant, do not ask to take some uneaten food or leftovers home, and never do so when attending a formal dinner. A host may suggest that extra food be taken by the guests, but should not insist.
Leave the napkin on the seat of your chair only if leaving temporarily.[9] When you leave the table at the end of the meal, loosely place the used napkin on the table to the left of your plate.[10]
Wait for your host or hostess to rise before getting up from a dinner party table.
[edit] See also
Social graces
Intercultural competence
Montreal-Philippines cutlery controversy
Eating utensil etiquette



[edit] References
^ Etiquette in het buitenland by Kevin Strubbe, Liesbeth Hobert
^ The point being to maintain the lower temperature of white wines, and to lightly warm the red wines[1]
^ "Miss Manners" syndicated column, by Judith Martin, Universal Press Syndicate, June 18, 2009
^ http://www.buffalonews.com/opinion/columns/missmanners/story/529401.html
^ http://www.buffalonews.com/opinion/columns/missmanners/story/731187.html
^ http://lifestyle.msn.com/Relationships/Article.aspx?cp-documentid=8319060
^ http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=20798076
^ http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=8319043
^ http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=18575703
^ Emily Post's Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Manners, Completely Revised and Updated by Peggy Post (Harper Collins 2004).
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Main Entry: social graces
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: good manners
Synonyms: breeding, civility, consideration, courtesy, decorum, elegancies, etiquette, formalities, manners, mores, polished manners, politeness, proper conduct, protocol, savoir vivre, table manners, tact

Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition
Copyright © 2009 by the Philip Lief Group.
Cite This Source Main Entry: behavior
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: manner of conducting oneself
Synonyms: act, action, address, air, attitude, bag*, bearing, carriage, code, comportment, conduct, convention, course, dealings, decency, decorum, deed, delivery, demeanor, deportment, ethics, etiquette, expression, form, front, guise, habits, management, mien, mode, morals, nature, observance, performance, practice, presence, propriety, ritual, role, routine, savoir-faire, seemliness, social graces, speech, style, tact, talk, taste, tenue, tone, way, way of life, ways, what's done

* = informal/non-formal usage

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Main Entry: etiquette
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: manners, politeness
Synonyms: amenities, civility, code, convention, courtesy, customs, decency, decorum, deportment, dignity, form, formalities, good behavior, mores, p's and q's, politesse, proper behavior, propriety, protocol, rules, seemliness, social graces, suavities, usage
Antonyms: bad manners
Main Entry: manners
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: polite, refined social behavior
Synonyms: amenities, bearing, behavior, breeding, carriage, ceremony, civilities, comportment, conduct, courtesy, culture, decorum, demeanor, deportment, dignity, elegance, etiquette, formalities, good breeding, good form, mien, mores, p's and q's, polish, politeness, politesse, propriety, protocol, refinement, social graces, sophistication, taste, urbanity
Notes: manner means a way of acting or behaving or how something is done; manners is socially correct behavior; a manor is the landed estate of a lord

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Main Entry: propriety
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: good manners
Synonyms: accepted conduct, amenities, breeding, civilities, correctness, courtesy, decency, decorum, delicacy, dignity, etiquette, good behavior, good form, modesty, mores*, niceties, politeness, politesse, protocol, punctilio, rectitude, refinement, respectability, rules of conduct, seemliness, social conventions, social grace, the done thing
Antonyms: bad manners, impropriety, misbehavior, misconduct

* = informal/non-formal usage
Main Entry: punctilio
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: etiquette
Synonyms: ceremony, civility, code, convention, courtesy, customs, decorum, dignity, form, formalities, formality, mores, nicety, p's and q's, politesse, proper behavior, protocol, refinement, rules, social graces
Main Entry: sophistication
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: culture, style
Synonyms: composure, elegance, finesse, poise, refinement, savoir faire, savoir vivre, social grace, tact, urbanity, worldliness, worldly wisdom
Antonyms: ingenuousness, naiveté, simplicity
Main Entry: savoir faire
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: tact
Synonyms: Aukflarung, cultivation, diplomacy, graciousness, poise, savoir-faire, savvy, social grace, social know-how, sophistication, suavity, worldliness

Roget's 21st Century Thesaurus, Third Edition
Copyright © 2009 by the Philip Lief Group.
Cite This Source Related Words Main Entry: propriety
Part of Speech: noun
Related
Adjectives:
opportune, acceptable, advisable, applicable, apposite, as it ought to be, as it should be, becoming, befitting, comme il faut, condecent, condign, convenient, deserved, desirable, due, eligible, even, fair, fit, fitting, good, idoneous, just, justifiable, lawful, legitimate, meet, proper, reasonable, right, rightful, seemly, suitable, worthwhile

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Your Social Skills and Watch Your CONFIDENCE Grow ...
Finishing School in an E-Book!

Whether it's business or socially, we all find ourselves in situations where we're meeting and greeting new people. The way you look, the way you speak, the way you carry yourself, your ability to be interested and interesting can spell the difference between being well received and not.

Knowing the building blocks for charm and grace is a wonderful way of reducing awkwardness and social anxiety, and instead build better connections. And who wouldn't want that?

Life is a game, and those with social grace are simply ... more successful!

Not only do they know their social etiquette and play the game of life superbly and with polish, they have a vital understanding of how life really works!

True charm isn't about how much money you've got. Some people just seem to have a natural gift to be at ease and get on with everyone no matter what their rank or station.

Being at ease with yourself and being able to let others shine is the Art of Social Grace.

It's not just important in your social life. In the super competitive world of work, the value of excellent social skills are more highly regarded than ever, particularly as you're elevated up the career ladder. But what’s incredible is how many people let themselves down.

Being polished, while remaining genuine and natural, is a wonderful feeling. There's an art and an etiquette to communicating well, and we've made learning both easy.

This knowledge will develop a perspective which brings with it a respect and consideration for others, and takes your ability to communicate with everyone and anyone to a whole new level.

This e-book is written as a vital guide to increasing your social grace. Take a look at what you’ll learn...

CHAPTER 1: SOCIAL GRACE
Introduction..................................................... 6
What is Social Grace?.................................... 8
Why is it Important?........................................ 9
Learning the Art of Social Grace................... 11
How to Use this Book..................................... 11
CHAPTER 2: A STATE OF CONFIDENCE
Breathing Correctly......................................... 17
Dealing with Nerves....................................... 18
Grounding Yourself......................................... 18
Keeping It In Perspective................................. 21
CHAPTER 3: DEPORTMENT
First Impressions Count!......................... 16
What You're Really Saying ........................... 25
The Basics of Good Deportment......................... 16
Correct Posture.............................................. 25
Your Gaze ........................................................... 27
Your Smile.......................................................... 28
The Use of Gestures.......................................... 28
Putting Good Deportment into Action.... 29
Standing......................................................... 29
Walking Tall..................................................... 29
Sitting Down................................................... 31
Rising Up From a Chair................................... 32
Bringing it Together........................................ 33
Superstar Moments.................................. 33
Getting In and Out of a Car............................ 33
Opening Doors............................................... 34
Descending a Staircase................................. 35
Walking into a Room....................................... 35
Walking into an Interview............................... 36
CHAPTER 4: VOICE AS A COMMUNICATION TOOL
Cultivating an Attractive Voice......................... 39
What Your Voice Communicates..................... 39
Freeing Up Your Voice................................... 42
Making Introductions................................ 45
Formal Introductions....................................... 47
Introducing Couples....................................... 48
Introducing Children....................................... 48
Meeting Dignitaries......................................... 49
Informal Introductions.................................... 51
After Being Introduced................................... 51
Shaking Hands................................................ 53
Kissing........................................................... 54
Further Introductions................................ 55
Introducing Oneself........................................ 55
How to Introduce Someone to a Group.......... 56
Meeting Someone Again................................ 57
Introductions on the Move............................. 59
Small Talk.................................................... 59
Conversation Starters.................................... 60
Building a Conversation............................ 61
Observations................................................ 61
Good Listening Skills...................................... 63
Questions...................................................... 64
Sharing the Space......................................... 66
The Use of One and They............................. 68
Conversation Cues....................................... 68
Keeping it Light.............................................. 69
The Art of Storytelling................................... 70
How To Move a Conversation Along............ 72
Humour.......................................................... 73
Language....................................................... 75
Prejudice....................................................... 76
The Debating Club........................................ 77
How to Handle Conflict................................. 78

Keeping It Real.............................................. 79
Assertiveness.............................................. 80
Self-Control.................................................... 81
How to Extend and Receive a Compliment..... 83
Ending a Conversation Politely................ 83
CHAPTER 5: GOOD MANNERS
The Absolute Basics................................. 86
Please and Thank You.................................. 86
Sorry............................................................. 86
Patience........................................................ 87
More Etiquette Essentials....................... 88
Good Sportsmanship.................................... 88
Out and About.............................................. 88
Making a Complaint....................................... 89
Phone Etiquette............................................. 90
Mobile Telephone Etiquette........................... 91
IN SUMMARY.................................................

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These Personal Traits That Are More Valuable Than A Nike Endorsement Deal

I am not mentioning any names but in light of the current events surrounding us, we should all take time to examine ourselves to see if we are being all that we should be. Don't get me wrong, I am not telling you how to lead your life, I am not telling you what to eat, or when to workout. I'm telling you to be sure that your eyes are open and not to forget the things your Kindergarten teacher and hopefully your parents taught you.

As we go through our days, hundreds of motivations jump in and then jump off our radars. How we react to these motivations defines us. In fact, it determines how you feel inside every morning as you take your first glance in the mirror.

There is no eraser or delete key in life. If you haven't already begun, consider incorporating the following into your life. Not whimsically, but make a real effort. In fact, do it for all of 2010 and see if you notice a difference in your life and happiness levels.


Being Truthful
Never lie. Your words should reflect all that you say and do. If you think and do one thing, but say the opposite of those thoughts and actions, that's a lie. We've all heard the saying, "A man's word is his bond." If only that was so. Sometimes we lie to cover up an indiscretion. Sometimes we lie to make ourselves appear to be better than we are. Sometimes we lie to keep from hurting someone's feelings. I firmly believe, because it has been my experience, that eventually all lies will be exposed. Ultimately, there is no benefit to telling a lie.

Being Faithful
Since when has it become okay to cheat on our wives? Unfaithfulness is becoming so commonplace that many people accept it and thus do nothing about it. We turn our heads. We hide behind statements like "It's none of my business," and we do nothing.

Have you ever attended a wedding? Even if you aren't married, there is a pretty good chance that you've actually witnessed one. Maybe it was held at a church; maybe it wasn't. Doesn't matter. A man and a woman stand up in front of a crowd of people (as few as a crowd of 2; as many as hundreds -- maybe thousands), and proclaim their undying love and faithfulness to each other. Why do you think there are witnesses? It is for accountability.

When we cheat, those who witnessed our proclamation of eternal faith to our spouse should say, "Hey, what's the deal? We saw you with our own eyes -- we heard you with our own ears -- you promised to love, honor, and cherish your spouse as long as you both shall live!" If you cheat, you should have to stand up in front all those people who witnessed your wedding and explain your actions. You should have to explain why you couldn't communicate with your spouse and resolve things in a reasonable fashion.

Being Honorable
In both your professional and personal lives, be honorable. What does that mean, exactly? To be honorable means to be highly respected or esteemed. In order for you to be highly respected or esteemed, you must be unselfish; integrity must be your middle name (if not your first). Be an honorable husband/wife. Following these guidelines, we must always put our wife's/husband's needs ahead of our own, and we must have strong moral principles. I don't feel that "strong moral principles" is a topic that is open to interpretation. To many, their God sets those standards. To others, it's common sense, or learned from books or parents. Honor is not up for discussion; it's meaning is set in stone. You have it or you don't.

Being Trustworthy
Can you be relied upon to say and do what is right all the time? If so, then you are worthy of the trust of your peers. Others believe that you won't do wrong; nor will you tell a lie. Being trustworthy is a very big deal. You don't get to decide whether you are trustworthy, though. Others will decide that for themselves. You can have some input into their decision, though -- by actually being trustworthy.

Being Respectful
In all that you do, be respectful of others. This could be read as another form of the "Do unto others..." saying. For the sake of this discussion, though, let's disregard any physical connotation that this may bring to mind, such as punching or slapping. Often when we are disrespectful, we hurt others far worse than if we actually had punched them. Cheating on your spouse is the ultimate form of disrespect. Our spouses always deserve our respect. No matter what! Remember the end of "Do unto others..."? It isn't "as you have had done to you" -- no, it's "as you would have them do unto you." You can't make the world a better place by reciprocating bad with bad.
Today we so often hear a phrase like "raising the bar," to indicate that a new minimum standard has been established. When it comes to these 5 traits listed above, the minimum standard should be a wall over which we must climb or leap. People can, and so often do, walk right under the bar.

What other character traits would you deem as defining? Do you feel that you have all of those traits? Does that question make you cringe?

Written on 12/10/2009 by David Jones. David blogs at Control Yourself! A blog focusing on becoming better men, and various men's issues. Photo Credit: p@r@noid



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Thank you for trying to help me keep the comment section on DLM clean. Please explain why you are flagging this comment in the text box below and submit your report. The blog admin will be notified. Thank you for your input. -Jay Logging you in... Close
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0 Vote up Vote down Nealreal · 1 week ago

Amen to this post. We have the ability to make the right choices - but without the power of God, humans will often revert back to their evil selves. Humanity can't change or doing anything of significant without God's help (John 15:5).
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

Nealreal:

Thanks for the comment!

It does seem that we often will take the easy way out, which also may very well be the wrong way. A successful marriage is very hard work. Much easier to just walk away and seek instant gratification.
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0 Vote up Vote down @PageWrite · 1 week ago

You make some very good points here. How can we expect anyone to be honest with us, be faithful to us, or respect us, if we are dishonest, unfaithful, or disrespectful ourselves.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

@PageWrite:

Thanks for the comment!

It seems so simple, yet we all struggle to incorporate these traits into our lives. It isn't easy to be the person that we should be -- but I think it is definitely worth the effort to try!
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0 Vote up Vote down FedUp · 1 week ago

Why do you think there are witnesses? It is for accountability.

When we cheat, those who witnessed our proclamation of eternal faith to our spouse should say, "Hey, what's the deal? We saw you with our own eyes -- we heard you with our own ears -- you promised to love, honor, and cherish your spouse as long as you both shall live!" If you cheat, you should have to stand up in front all those people who witnessed your wedding and explain your actions. You should have to explain why you couldn't communicate with your spouse and resolve things in a reasonable fashion.

This is absolutely perfect. Having been on the receiving end of an incredibly deceitful man - who lied about every thing and numerous other women.... It should be a requirement. Sad thing is tho - no one wants to be accountable for their actions any more.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

FedUp:

Thanks for the comment!

I'm sorry for the difficulties that you've had. I hope that things are better for you now. A large part of the time, people will let us down, just as we let others down.

I think it is important in the case of a marriage for each spouse to commit to the marriage over everything else. Frequently, our spouses are going to do things that make us want to walk away from the marriage. So if one's only commitment is to his/her spouse, then the marriage will fail. But if one is committed to making the marriage work, he/she can get past those ill feelings he/she has toward his/her spouse.

I hope to reach out to men and offer advice that will help them be the men they should be.
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0 Vote up Vote down maddog · 1 week ago

Wonderful post. I wish more people read this. When I was a bit younger, I always thought these are just traits that everyone should have, that they're nothing all that special because to me, they should be the basic standard to any decent human being. Over the last few years, however, I found that I'm just really naive about people in general, and that makes me sad.

I am amazed at how many people have tried to tell me that nothing is black and white, everything is shades of grey, there is no right and wrong, etc. Funny it's always the people who do wrong who say these things.

Maybe I'm stubborn and old fashion for my age (just shy of 30), but I always counter that no, sometimes there IS right and wrong. Sometimes there are no shades of grey. Somehow they just don't get the idea of integrity.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

maddog:

Thank you so much for the comment! It is sad indeed to see the decline in morals of society as a whole.
Speaking for men, I can tell you that sometimes we forget the importance of the role we play as a father, and also as a husband, in helping to instill these traits mentioned in this article into the lives of those we touch. And the best way to do that is to live it -- not just speak it!
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0 Vote up Vote down Charles Chua C K · 1 week ago

Honesty is the best policy. Being truthful means you can sleep soundly at night and you don't have to ask for forgiveness from God for the thngs that you hvee done wrong.morally. You face the world with the fullest confidence.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

Charles:

Thank you for the comment!

Is it just me, of does it seem to be harder to remember the lies you've told than to remember the truth? It seems that we must tell additional lies to cover up lies we've told in the past; it gets exponentially more difficult to keep the story from unraveling. If you tell the truth, however, you don't have to worry about keeping your story straight. The truth is always straight!
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0 Vote up Vote down Jim · 1 week ago

Nothing new here. Not a bad reminder though.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

Jim:

Thanks for the comment! I agree, there isn't anything new here. If everyone would just adopt these traits, THAT would be new :-).
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0 Vote up Vote down donna · 1 week ago

Boils down to respect. Respect for others and respect for oneself (integrity), most of all respect for our Creator & his commandments for us to live by.

The bible also tells us not to become unevenly yoked (with unbelievers) . It will only make our own christian walk that much more difficult.

Make sure of all things, hold fast to what is fine.
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0 Vote up Vote down kathleen · 1 week ago

here, here!!!!! Perfectly said!
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0 replies · active less than 1 minute ago
0 Vote up Vote down Srinivas Rao · 1 week ago

This is an interesting take on things. The most important thing to me is the honesty part. I think many guys who are on ly interested in no strings attached relationships would be better off if they were just upfront about it. While it may seem that it would scare a woman off, I think you'll save her and yourself alot of heartache in the long run.
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0 replies · active less than 1 minute ago
0 Vote up Vote down janeonthemoon · 1 week ago

I'm so glad that someone has said this, written it down, made it important enough to talk about. The more it is talked about and repeated the more people will stop, think and take on these values. We know what is right but sometimes I think the world gets so confusing people forget or let themselves slip. Thank you for writing this article.
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1 reply · active 1 week ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

janeonthemoon:

Thank you for such a kind comment. This stuff is indeed important. Please spread it around :-).

David
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0 Vote up Vote down noneagle · 1 week ago

"A scout is trustworthy, loyal, helpful, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, clean, and reverent." I think the boy scouts were on to something there...
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3 replies · active 5 days ago
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 1 week ago

noneagle:

You know, it's kinda funny -- when I originally submitted this article to DLM, I had used a photo of a hand doing the scout's honor.

You're right. It would be great if we were required to strive to master these traits, just as the scouts do.
Report Reply
+1 Vote up Vote down wasabiburger 4p · 5 days ago

The picture you ended up using is quite funny! ;)
Report Reply
+1 Vote up Vote down David Jones 16p · 5 days ago

I can't take credit for that. It is a great picture, though! I'm guessing Jay chose that.
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These Personal Traits That Are More Valuable Than A Nike Endorsement Deal
2009-12-10T12:33:00-06:00
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10 Smartest Ways to Live Beneath Your Means
I managed to retire at age 51, and the way I did it was to live beneath my means.

You can adopt this strategy too, by simply spending less than you earn. You may think that's impossible for you, but if you make it a challenge instead of a chore, you'll soon be creating ways to cut corners in everything you do. And believe me, it all adds up.

There are no secrets to this strategy. It's just common sense. Here are my 10 favorite ways to live beneath your means:


Whenever possible, buy store brands. Nearly half the cost for name brands goes to advertising. Usually their quality isn't any better than store brands, which frequently carry a money back guarantee. This is true not only with food, but also cleaning supplies and paper products. Even if the savings are small on an individual item, using this strategy every time you shop makes a big difference. Remember, this is a long-term plan.


Avoid prepared foods.We're all pressed for time, but buying prepared foods can be expensive. You pay extra for the convenience and get a meal full of chemicals and preservatives too. Instead, put your main course in a Crock Pot before you leave for work, or put frozen meat in the refrigerator to thaw before you go to bed. Once you learn to plan ahead, you'll be surprised how much you'll save.


Shop at "you-bag-it" supermarkets. Stores like Aldi and Save-a-Lot can cut your grocery bill substantially. When you're not subsidizing a store's deli section, flower shop, or bakery, you'll find the rest of the food cheaper. No-frills supermarkets cut overhead by having fewer employees, smaller buildings to heat and cool, and primarily store brands. You'll quickly notice the savings.


Brown bag your lunch. I did this for years and it saved me thousands. Brown bagging has three benefits: You'll avoid greasy, high-calorie fast food; you'll save money; and you'll be more satisfied on your job, since lunch with coworkers often turns into gripe sessions.


Don't buy clothes or shoes with designer labels. Who do you want to make rich, some fashion designer, or you? That trendy label will cost you at least 50% extra. Instead of impressing your friends, impress yourself by adding that savings to your bank account.


Use coupons, but be smart about it. When a name brand product still costs more than a store brand, even after the deduction for a coupon, it's no bargain. Most coupons are for new products companies want you to try, so be selective. You can get coupons online at sites like Coupons.com or Couponcabin.com, or search under "coupons."


Buy used books instead of new. I visit two used book sales a year put on by local charities and get an armload of reading for less than $15. I choose used books on Amazon.com. I got my copy of The Purpose Driven Life on Amazon, paying the standard $3.99 shipping and handling, but only 39 cents for a used copy. Even better? Check out books for free at your local public library. Most libraries have DVDs and CDs, too.


Keep your car as long as you can. A shiny new car may impress your family and friends, but it simply costs too much. My current car is nine years old and runs like a dream because I have it serviced regularly. Today's cars, with electronic ignition, fuel injectors and superb rust protection, can last well past 150,000 miles if taken care of.


Severely restrict your credit card spending. Credit cards make money unreal. They take the thought process and discipline out of your buying. Before you know it, you're deep in debt and getting further behind because you can't make even the minimum monthly payment. When you pay in cash and watch those bills disappear from your wallet, you become much more careful. You relearn the value of money. You question every purchase, and that's when you become smart.


Reward yourself for your efforts. Your goal is to be frugal, not a miser. Small rewards--within your budget--are a wise way to keep fun in your life. Living beneath your means takes self-control, but the emotional and financial benefits are tremendous. An occasional treat energizes you to keep up the good work.

Much of living beneath your means requires seeing through the false promises of prestige and fulfillment found in advertising. You're too smart to fall for that. And, it takes discipline to resist peer pressure, but whenever you're doing something worthwhile, you have to stand up for your convictions. Living beneath your means is a proven way to avoid debt and the stress that goes with it. If I can do it, you can too.

Jack Zavada shares tips for being a happier, more peace-filled person at his web site, Inspiration For Singles and in his new ebook, Single & Sure.


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Thank you for trying to help me keep the comment section on DLM clean. Please explain why you are flagging this comment in the text box below and submit your report. The blog admin will be notified. Thank you for your input. -Jay Logging you in... Close
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0 Vote up Vote down Hidden · 12 weeks ago

Great tips and I have always done all of them.
I am of Irish and Scottish descent, but the Scottish frugality is my dominant gene.
There is just one little, no one major, problem that has to be addressed. And that is all of these things don’t mean a damn thing if you are married to somebody that is what I call “Financially Insane”.
For every penny I have saved my wife has blown a dollar.
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0 Vote up Vote down theresa · 7 weeks ago

i can really agrre and relate to the above. can i comment on that? in my case... its my husband. hes a miser.he spends more than he earns. leaving himself in debt. good thing he left me cuase with such an titude. wont get him anywhere. i thought i was the loser in this relationship. turned out im workin now on my own yet, he's in debts and worst, he cant live within his means. not content and coulnt support his 3 children with me... bore another one with another woman. instead of sulking your article made me think i was the luckier one.thank you. More power
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0 Vote up Vote down Josie · 5 weeks ago

I agree with HIDDEN above... it's very difficult to run against the current when you have a non participating partner in marriage that doesn't understand frugality ....... MAKES YOU WANNA SCREAM !!!!!!! So...... I just got out of the marriage. I would rather be happy with my advancement in life knowing I did all the right things then feel like I'm doing it for NOTHING.

* that was my first step getting rid of the " drag me down baggage , that was holding me back " .
( once you got that under control.... the rest seems do-able )

* cutting back on what I didn't need..... wasn't using ( sold it online ) and live on what I only needed.

* got rid of my $700 a month apartment with all the other extras to pay heat , electric, cable , internet.
( got a nanny job with free room and board , free heat, free electric, free internet, free cable downstairs with my own seperate room and bathroom ) and weekens off........ I mean...... what could be better then that.
all my money was then MINE ALL MINE. Incredible $aving$......

* Single again and dating ..... dates would often pick me up for a dinner and dancing so..... my plate for entertainment
was full and alive again.

* I started reinvesting the rest at a rapid speed and felt good about my progress again.

RUNNING AGAINST THE CURRENT IS NOT A GOOD FEELING ...
Your life partner has to have the GREATE$T FINANCIAL INVESTMENT YOU MAKE TOGETHER ,
AS WELL AS THE BEST FOR THE SOUL.

THAT'S MY TWO BITS TODAY.

*
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10 Smartest Ways to Live Beneath Your Means
2007-10-23T05:55:00-05:00
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